The day we left for Taize, I got a message from my boss that said, "Congratulations! Wanted to share that you were voted one of the ten top staffers at the university this year!" Since I basically haven't been voted anything since I got "Most Courteous" in High School (yes, you read correctly, most courteous, not most friendly!), I was rather proud of myself.

Then, we get back. I am so tired I can hardly see straight, but also overjoyed. I had just successfully taken 15 students to another freakin' country, all had survived, and most importantly, my husband and I had done all of this together and other than the mantra "I can't take him ANYWHERE!" when he would say something so outrageous to the students and those from other countries, we did really, really well.

(Ok, so I'll tell you about the time we lost a student for a couple of hours on the metro another time; and about the time I yelled at them, "If you are going to be so pissy about writing affirmations for each other, you can just hand the cards back to me!" - both were not high points in the trip, needless to say. But I won't dwell there today.)

Then, this article comes out about me in the alumni magazine - pretty much a puff piece in many ways, an introductory for the alums and such. Remember, the person they had here for two years was not such a great fit, so campus ministry needs a little good PR.

So it was surprising in a way, but totally like me, to be huddled in bed on Friday night at 7:00 pm barely able to breathe. W. came in and said, "You ok?" I said, "No, I think I'm having a panic attack." Then, through shallow breathing and a few tears, I began to freak out.

You see, I'm good at starting things. Getting people excited. Thinking creatively and outside the box. The semester-at-a-time thing really works for me because I'm not very good with follow-through (although my "J" friends have told me I've gotten much better at this, and being a mother helps because, hey, you have to feed your kid at some point.)

What set this off, though, is a bit of a long story, but suffice it to say that I thought I was going to get in trouble for something I had done (doesn't look like I am...) but it led me to the fetal position on Friday night - I told W., "There is no way we can top this year! There is no way things could be better! It's all going to fall apart and then they won't love me!"

Yes, I can be a bit dramatic.

W. was wonderful talking me down from the ledge, and having a fellow university person from a university up the road email her wisdom helped quite a bit as well. (Thanks, MB!)

There is something in me that has always wanted the good press, but at the same time in some way it all feels a bit false as well. I find when I feed into it, allow it to confirm my self worth, everything goes to hell in a handbasket pretty quickly.

It was good to read RM's and ChicagoRev's sermons this week, put things back in perspective for me. It's also been good to read Brother Roger's biography, for somehow he was able to receive the accolades and meet with the Pope but also make sure that he was just one of the brothers offering hospitality to the many who came to Taize. He was also able to make sure that the children in the community sat with him every night. He was also able to allow the brothers translating things he said to make changes "if they could say it better than he."

He was able to be himself, just himself, and allow others to be themselves as well. And because of that, all of them could serve Christ just as they were.

That is what I'm striving for.