This is officially the best email I have ever gotten. And no, the matter is not up for discussion:

From: j-marshall
To: medillgi
Cc: j-marshall
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 2004 12:58:25 pm CST
Subject: stress relief

Dear students,
We're aware that this point in the quarter can be highly stressful as multiple deadlines in different classes implode upon you. If you are feeling overwhelmed or depressed because of your schoolwork or for other reasons, you might want to take advantage of the university's Counseling & Psychological Services (CAPS). They offer counseling, crisis intervention, stress and anxiety clinics, and referrrals. Their services are free and confidential. Several of our students have used them in the past and found them helpful. To reach CAPS, you can call 847-555-2151 or check them out at www.university.edu/counseling. For after-hours emergencies, call 847-555-8100.
best wishes,
Jon

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Excellent! And you thought I was being a prissy little drama queen over all these supposed deadlines. As if! I would never abuse this esteemed space to babble on nonsensically.

I told you: They're trying to break us! Really! (Send help!) And from the sound of things, they have broken others in the past.

I mean, they're actually telling us to check ourselves in to the nuthouse! What more evidence do you need, people?!

Actually, we got a good laugh from this one today in the quote-unquote "newsroom." (read: classroom where we leave voice messages to disgruntled paper-pushers in various local gub-ment agencies that are never returned.)

And it's true - this week is shaping out to be certifiably nuts. In a strange twist of events, I was productive today. It doesn't make any sense. I'm actually keeping my head barely above water in all this craziness.

Of course, now that I've written that...

Great job, Dickie. Very intelligent - go ahead and jinx yourself. Christ, while I'm at it why don't I just add that the weather's amazingly temperate this week and I'm anticipating a relatively warm winter?

But I'm handling things OK. This past weekend Cronkette and I passed by the old historic water tower down on Michigan Avenue and decided to have a look inside. Mainly, because I wondered what the hell could be so exciting about some stupid old water tower. I figured this would help me better understand the psyche of the Midwesterner.

But actually, it turned out to be [gasp] somewhat interesting. 'Turns out it was the only building standing after the Chicago fire in 1870-something.

A fire destroys a city and the last thing standing is the water pump. Shocking.

And the place is allegedly haunted by this municipal worker - either ridiculously brave or ridiculously stupid - who decided to stay behind in the tower as the flames rushed and fight the fire with a hose.

Shortly after he realized what a dumb idea that was and that he was fucked, he decided to hang himself rather than be burned alive.

But still: In the midst of insurmountable odds he stood his ground and fought.

...I've been keeping him in mind this week. If I don't fail out of school I'm thinking I'll go pay him a visit of thanks.

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In other news, check out this mind-blowing NPR report from today. You may have heard it on your way home - it's based on five months of thorough investigation and it's great reporting. Amazing stuff. Amazing, fucked-up stuff. Look, this is my beef with the war on terror, right here.