"Since that day when you gone
Just had to carry on
I get through the day, but late at night
Made love to my pillow
But it didn't feel right..."

--Sting

In a related issue, the results of my readers poll are in: 5 out of 5 Econ RPA'ers "fucking hate" Valentine's Day. (Um, to clarify, the moderator had no comment.)


*****************************


So yesterday we had a surprisingly cool Global Journalism meeting.

Instead of walking into another drawn-out three-hour conversation on correspondency in Beirut, China or wherever-the-hell, we walk into the classroom to find a panel of about 15 Latin American journalists, lawyers and other professional-types from about 10 different countries, all part of a State Department delegation currently touring the country. They're all sitting in this somber row facing us, with formal ID cards and their country of origin, and since only a few of them speak English most have those little U.N. translator earpieces.

That's right: Apparently our little class had been picked to negotiate peace settlements between the U.S. and Latin America. I knew the current administration has lost a lot of international clout, but this was ridiculous.

Too bad our prof couldn't have given us a heads-up in advance. I'm not saying I would have prepared for these critical diplomatic proceedings or anything, but at least I woulda shown up wearing something nicer than jeans and a T-shirt.

So the purpose was to have a "dialogue" - you know, figure us all out a bit better. I guess it resembled a Model UN convention, not that I would know, except with, you know actual rep's from those countries.

The best part was referring to members of the panel by their home country, ala "Uruguay has a question ... Peru would like to add something." Of course, this led to the inevitable "Nicaragua is threatening to withdraw!" jokes.

My personal favorite was watching Guatemala roll her eyes every time Costa Rica opened his mouth, extolling the economic benefits of globalization. If only those two could get on the same page...

Believe me, it was tense - negotiations could have collapsed at any moment. Visions of the last scene in Spies Like Us danced in my head. ("You sunk my battleship!")

Especially with the first question, coming from the other side of the table: "What do you believe is the U.S. perception of Latin America?"

Wow. Jesus. How do you even begin with that one? Considering you've got representatives from all these countries to your front, and grad students from all over the country to your back?

Now a question of etiquette: As I pass do I give you the ass or the crotch?

That would be quite a tap dance. So naturally the prof looks in my general direction and suggests somebody "who's lived in these countries try to answer that." Unbelievable. I almost instinctively gave her the finger, but fortunately the guy next to me lived in Ecuador and loves to talk about it, so he chimed in instead.

The question made me feel guilty - even a little sad - at its earnestness and directness. Because I don't think the truth is very pretty, and that's really why I dreaded having to answer.

What do I think? Collectively? The United States doesn't think you're anything. We clearly don't reciprocate your interest, and that's putting it nicely. Um, we just don't care. For further reference, please see U.S. involvement in: Chile, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Cuba, etc., etc., etc.

Can I say that? Oh yeah, diplomacy.

How do you look this panel in the eye and remind them we have 10th graders who couldn't point out Mexico on a map, let alone Brazil, let alone Peru, let alone...?

I might have relayed to our distinguished panel the story of this girl I dated in high-school, who after she let's-just-say "accidentally" wound up with a hickey on her neck (I know I know, you don't have to say it), her ex-LAPD dad pulled me aside at her birthday party and instead of beating the crap out of me sternly informed that he didn't want his daughter looking like a quote "cheap Mexican."

(...Something tells me diplomacy is not in my future.)

Anyways, another highlight was Chile raising the issue of teaching Creationism in U.S. [coughGeorgia] schools. Yep, apparently they've heard about it down there, and the pre-translation word he used to describe was "primitivo." See, Chile wanted to better understand the recent upsurge in religious conservatism in the United States. I felt like raising my hand and likening it to the ultra-devout Catholic traditions still prevalent not only in the rural poor sections of Latin America but the urban centers as well. But again, I'm not exactly Mr. Diplomat.

So yeah, in the end our dialogue managed to pull our hemispheres back from the brink of war, perhaps saving millions of lives in the process. Just another day at J-school.