I have two and a half more weeks of work before I leave to relax a little before Muffin is born. Honestly, if I felt really good I’d work right up to the day I went into labor. It makes me very nervous to not have a job. It worries me immensely to not have a second income coming in, especially with the added expense of a baby.

The other thing is that I really do like my job a lot and I know I'm going to miss it. I might come back to work here, probably part time if I do, after I have some recovery/bonding time with Muffin. A huge part of me wants to come back because I know I'll miss it and another part really just wants to work from home and focus on taking care of my family. I guess what I'll do is keep moving forward and see what happens then.

MD and I have done some planning and some saving, but it doesn’t feel even close enough to being enough. He handles all the finances, everything, and I just finally told him last night that if he promises me we’d be okay that I’ll believe him. He told me that we would be fine, so I’m trying really hard to keep up my end of that bargain. So far it’s not going as well as I’d hoped.

Worry is something that I have struggled with my entire life. As a child I had severe problems with anxiety to include panic attacks, sleeplessness, and an overall sense of malaise related to the most basic of situation. When I was nine years old, Mommie bought me a set of “worry dolls”. Who has to buy something like that for a nine year old? Anyway, they are just little stick dolls that you tell your problems to at night before you go to bed. Then, you put them under your pillow with the understanding that it is now their job to worry about your problems, and your job to try and get some sleep.

Some nights it helped, and sometimes it didn’t.

I guess my point here is that I don’t feel right unless I have something to worry about, whether it needs to be worried about or not. I understand that worrying doesn’t help in any way, it doesn’t solve or make better anything, but I still have some strange, compulsive need to do it anyway.

I have worked on this whole worrying myself sick (literally) problem for many years, and I have made some improvement. I am still a work in progress though, and I have moments where I struggle with it. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but it’s worse than I would like it to be.

**

I think Mommie will probably be heading home tomorrow. I’ll be sad to see her go, I always am when she leaves, but she’ll be back in about a month to see little Muffin so that gives me something good to look forward to. I’ve really enjoyed having her at the house; she has been a tremendous help. She really has helped take some of the pressure off me in getting ready for Muffin and it came at a really good time.

Part of me is happy she is leaving. I’m happy because I know she hates it in KY and I know she misses St. Louis. Hell, I miss St. Louis. I know that KY doesn’t feel like home to her the way the Lou has and I can see it in her face the way this place drains something from her.

The situations we are in now are stressful and less than desired, but I think it helps to weather the storm when you’re in a place that feels comfortable, homey, and safe to you. I think she needs that kind of nurture now. As much as I love her and do my part to take care of her, she needs the nurture of St. Louis, so I’m glad she’ll be going back for a little bit. And the next time she comes down, it will be for something happy, something new and exciting. Her next visit will be something to look forward to and I think we all need something to look forward to right now.