courage
[ kuhr-ij, kuhr ]

noun
the quality of mind or spirit that allows a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc. without fear

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I will never forget the day I looked up that word. I literally got weak in the knees (and I'm not even exaggerating which can happen on occasion). I was preparing to deliver a speech to 300 hospital employees at their annual conference. The event planners wanted to hear from a two time cancer survivor (now it's three - but who's counting?). A dramatic, exhilarating closing keynote was the requirement. This was my first speaking gig based on my experience, strength and hope with cancer. My mission? Tell my story of "courage" . . . you know . . . glaring death in the eye, defying the odds without a second thought . . . and in bombastic fashion (with my teal colored bedazzled sword) swiftly behead the enemy! They were pretty clear about what they wanted and how they wanted it delivered.
Pow! Bam! Zap!


As the event drew closer, I received the usual "pump it up" call from the planner. "Mary Ellen, we want the audience to jump to their feet - be inspired to fearlessness in the face of danger - just like you!" Um, just like me? Just like me? I'm thinking . . . now hold on a second here . . . nobody said anything about not being afraid. How am I going to do this? Light bulb moment coming . . . (not always a fan of light bulb moments - but this turned out okay). I can't lie to these people . . . I was afraid, very afraid while fighting cancer. I was afraid when my hair fell out. I was afraid of the catheter threaded to my heart and hanging from my chest. Yeah, I was afraid when the puking seemed to never end. Damn, there were times I was afraid of my own shadow.

I don't know how or why . . . but I sensed fear could be my buddy in this fight; not something to deny or run from. If I wasn't afraid to lose my life would I have fought so hard? I knew I had joined forces with fear but I wasn't sure how to relate that to other people. What? Be happy about fear? Be grateful of fear? I was baffled. How is that inspiring? How is that courageous? Huh? I had already accepted partial fee for the event. I made a commitment and knew they would not have time to find another speaker on short notice. Now I'm afraid of the speech . . . . great! I am not going to lie to them! Oh my Lord in heaven . . . I saw rotten tomatoes flying toward the stage at wicked speed . . . . boos . , . hisses heard from every seat! That was about as inspiring as a root canal! Oh man, I could just hear it . . . UGH!

So, as always has been the case with me . . . I used fear to fuel me to things I never thought possible. I'm thinking okay, shake it off, figure it out. Use that horrible gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach to FIND A WAY to tell the truth! Then it hit me . . . what does courage mean? I mean to folks generally speaking. How is it defined? So, (now I'm feeling a bit like Einstein) I looked up the doggone word, courage.

When I saw, for the first time ever, the words "without fear" in the definition I was stunned. Seriously stunned! WHAT??? without fear? One must be fearless to be courageous . . . well . . . that had never occurred to me. Must be right, I mean, who argues with the dictionary? I thought I had been courageous. As it turns out I didn't even know the meaning of the word according to Webster. Something was terribly wrong here. The sting was like duck tape being ripped from a wound.

What did they really want from me? A speech about being fearless or a speech about courage? I cannot separate the two. My experience with being brave first meant I was filled with fear. Being fearless has nothing to do with courage and I won't say it does. Nope, the authors of the dictionary simply got it wrong and we bought it. Yep, I'm arguing with the dictionary . . . I'm not afraid of them! Sorry . . . not sorry.

I mean, think about it. Does a solider on the front line feel no fear? Does a mother sending her baby off to school for the first time feel no fear? Does a cancer patient being told what to expect from aggressive treatment feel no fear? Of course they feel fear! It's the process of turning fear into courage that gets people to do things they never imagined doing . . . extraordinary things . . . miraculous things . . . and sometimes every day ordinary things!


There is no "absence of fear" when being courageous. Period. End of story. Can't happen. What a silly concept. There it is by George! (where does that come from? "by George" . . . note to self Google that later) I now had my speech. Here was the title:

I am courageous . . . I'm just not fearless!

My determined spirit did allow me to make the choice to fight death, to endure excruciating pain, to move past not having children. Yes, I made a choice for hope and happiness during the agony (which doesn't mean I didn't have bad days). Yes, I made a choice to laugh loud and often. Sure, sometimes the laughter was crippled in pain but I made the choice. You bet I made the choice to believe I would live (knowing I had no clue about the outcome). Before all that? I first had to look at fear and decide to turn it into courage.

Once fear was the fuel and courage was my rocket I was as strong as I've ever been in my life. I knew cancer was not going to define me. I knew, without question, I was going to continue to focus on life as long as I'm alive. I will smell the roses from our garden. I will passionately kiss my husband. I will blog. I will continue to live my crazy (sometimes bodacious) life like there is no tomorrow. What I will not do is yield to the "you-gonna-die-any-day-now" statistics thrown at me. I will not yield to the fatigue and pain that won't go away. I will not yield to the temptation to give up. I will not yield to fear . . . I will use fear to propel my courage to fight again and again and again!

Many people have commented to me "they" couldn't have done what I did so courageously. That's not true. I know it. I pray to God (yes I pray) they will never have to know how courageous we humans can be if pushed. Nonetheless, it's a decision each of us must make in our lives at some point . . . probably.

So let fear drive your courage . . . plug your nose - maybe even close your eyes - stand on the edge of the diving board of your life . . . with your heart pounding . . . if it's a jump you have to make to save your life or better your life . . . JUMP!

Fear gets us jumping. Courage give us buoyancy. Allow fear to limit you or allow fear to fuel courage. It's a choice.


Oh, that speech I delivered? I received a standing ovation (which humbles me).

I was courageous . . . I was not fearless.