Holding on and letting go
The other day my husband decided the tree in the back yard was coming out and I helped! He sawed that baby to a stump (while I watched a rerun of Criminal Minds). He chopped the remains into firewood. Oh, I can't wait to have the aroma of burning wood floating through the house . . . so excited! (I was still watching Criminal Minds . . . turns out it was a marathon. What's a girl to do?). Then, using his beloved early model Blazer, husband pulled out the root of a tree that had long since died. I was there for that. What did I do? Enthusiastically screamed "it's out" at appropriate moment . . . that's me helping. As I watched the truck and stump do their dance, I was struck by the tenacity of the stump. It wasn't a huge tree. The trunk itself was maybe eight inches in circumference, seriously, how deep could the root system be? Besides it's dead. I'm thinking . . . why is this little stump so resistant? What keeps you holding on? Let go!

Still observing, I'm now thinking . . . wow . . . isn't that an accurate depiction of what we do in life? We hold on when we should let go. Our spirit (conscious?) confronts us with the question of "what are you holding on to?" You are miserable . . . what are you holding on to? The mind and the spirit begin their dance (side note - the stump's dance was more of a twerking but I'm not a twerker so dance it is). What a rebellious tango when we hold on so tight knowing we need to let go!

Look, I am the queen of "never give up!". I've had to do some uber deep soul searching to understand the difference between fighting for something that is a contribution to my life versus holding on to something which sucks the very life out me. Example, in the past, I've held tightly to dead relationships. Why? Well, I had to get honest with myself. I asked a hard question. What's my true motivation to holding on? I figured out holding on was somehow a benefit to me and the thought of letting go angered (or saddened) me. Once I figured that out, I asked myself "what's the benefit of staying in a situation (let's ssaayy . . . a marriage) where my world became one great big heartache? For nearly two years we weren't even sleeping in the same room! Yet, every night for those two years, I could hear the sound of my voice whispering in the hallway . . . good night. I should have been screaming good-bye from the rooftop not whispering in the hallway (holding on tight).

Upon reticent prayer and reflection (life threatening illness forces that for some and I most assuredly fall into that category) came my answers. The first truth . . . "attention". Being the martyr in the relationship got me boat loads of attention. All my moaning, complaining and tears generated pools of pity. Folks were engrossed! "Look how hard she's trying." "Oh that Mary Ellen never gives up." "She works so hard and he does nothing!" "And all she's been through . . . it's shameful."


My second truth . . . "ego". This was my second marriage. We were together for years before we married. What? Am I stupid? Let's not even get into the age thing. I'm getting older . . . and thinking the ole "feminine wiles" tank is running on empty. Oh no, I cannot let this fail. What will people think?


Somewhere deep inside me I knew I enjoyed the attention. Instead of admitting that I went with . . .by God, they are right! I AM fabulous and he's a bum! And in the those same deep caves I knew my ego got the best of me. Instead of admitting that I went with . . . I will never fold my tent first. For those reasons, I steadfastly held on to a marriage that was cold and detached. Unforgiving. Passionless. Focused on individual needs; not the commitment. Dead, rotting stump that it was - I held on. I also came to understand, that dead, rotting stump of a marriage was partly my fault. Big step toward letting go.

By the way, my example happens to be about marriage . . . the dance applies to life's promenade across the board (in my most humble opinion). What else do we hold on to that's dead and stinking? Job? Friend? Family member? Favorite restaurant that changed hands a hundred years and now the food sucks . . . but oh the memories? There is a long list my friends!
It wasn't until I allowed myself to believe (my) truth could I muster the courage to simply let go and move forward . . . creating a new life. I started with the marriage and suddenly I was knocking down lifeless pins with the ease of a pro bowler. I know, I know not so simple . . . letting go. Simple isn't always easy, I know that too. Frankly, letting go takes far more strength and courage than hanging on. Once you know your truth . . . once you let go . . . you are free!

Hold on to what nurtures your soul. Let go of what doesn't.
I'm so grateful to have this knowledge. What I hold tight these days is precious and life affirming. Enhances my life and makes me a better person. What I choose to let go of isn't. Life is such a high wire act, is it not? For the most part I think many of us do the best we can at any point in time. For me, learning from my mistakes makes my best better . . . every time. That takes an honest, open search to my very core.

Um, little suggestion here, don't wait until you are diagnosed with a life threatening illness to begin an honest journey into the depths of your soul. For me it is a adventure toggling between prayer (asking for guidance) and reflection (attempting to hear the guidance). Just sayin'. Opening myself to learning along the way has brought me great peace.


Peace be with YOU!