Ondine

new journal

Pondine@cs.com — Sat, 22 Jul 06 13:35:00 UT

Began a jounal on LJ. http://lisamia.livejournal.com/

Empowerment

Pondine@cs.com — Sun, 16 Jul 06 18:59:00 UT

I bought a power drill today and a bunch of attachments for it. It's black and scary, but I am going to learn how to use it and hang my paintings and put up a new towel rack in the bathroom. Tonight, I am going to read poems at an open mic at a coffee shop. Scary too, but exhilarting.

Who's Your Angel?

Pondine@cs.com — Fri, 7 Jul 06 06:02:00 UT

I've been praying to the arch angel Michael, visualizing leaning my back against him during the day. He holds me and enables me to move, to fight off the demons, his wings spread wide. At night, those wings wrap around me, protecting me so I sleep and the nightmares have stopped.

Last night, I dreamt David was digging tunnels under our old house. He was doing it for Joe, but it meant he had no time for us. This is not a metaphor. David spent most of the last years of our marriage in the crawl space of the house, connecting our computers and the music systems with cable. When I'd ask him if we could all go do something together, he'd look at me annoyed and tell me he was busy. So, last night he was digging. But then something happened and he realized what ever he was digging for was impossible to get to, so he stopped and moved into this big apartment complex and was teaching Joe how to photograph a beautiful white flower in the foyer. Angela said, is this where you run? I looked around and wondered why David had been digging all those years. Why had he wasted all those years and our marriage. I asked him and he said, because you were on the computer, hissing. I screamed, I was on the computer because you never would talk to me, or go anywhere with me. I was on the computer because I was lonely. His face went soft and he said, you're right.

My landlady has not been forthcoming with the security deposite. Was trying to be nice but gently assertive, but yesterday got worried she was shafting me. Talked to Jenn, who told me to go to the realtor about it. I called the realtor and left an angry message saying I was not okay with my landlady's behaviour. Received an email this morning saying the landlady wants to meet me today with the check and could I please in the future deal directly with her.

Maybe some day, I'll be able to choose a gentler, kinder angel at my back. For now, it's Michael and me.

Joe is writing a paper at school, comparing George Orwell's Animal Farm to today's political insanity. A year ago at this time, Joe was in a walking coma, hearing voices in the shower, and spiraling into a paralyzing abyss of psychotic depression.

Paladin and Postulant

A middle aged woman, much like myself,
my shrink wears sneakers from her morning walk.
We sit in an office above spruce trees, a cemetery,
and freeways fleeing north and south.

She offers me tea, a middle aged woman, much like myself.
I want to run, I say, to follow the traffic
snaking beside the graves beneath too green grass.
âBut, your war is not done,â she answers.

Wind blows through the clouds above head stones, refracting light.
In that disjointed moment, I see through the faÃ§ade of a middle aged woman.
Much like myself, her hard armor flashes silver. Beyond the forest,
the shrines to the dead, I follow her into battle once more.

To Jenn and Zar

Pondine@cs.com — Mon, 3 Jul 06 22:00:00 UT

Thinking about you, tonight, Jenn. Love you. Love Zar, beautiful wise dear cat. Hugging you both.

A vow

Pondine@cs.com — Fri, 16 Jun 06 10:43:00 UT

I will not settle for anything less than the glorious moment, ever again.

house!!!

Pondine@cs.com — Tue, 23 May 06 08:38:00 UT

Got the keys on Sunday. House is so pretty!! Plumbers are starting work this morning. The fix was not as expensive as I feared so I can afford to put a sink into the garage for Angela. We are turning the garage into a studio/bedroom for her. The former owner works for Disney and I realized the house is totally Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. As Paige said, if the kitchen were a person, you'd pinch his cheek. :)The house smells clean and the perfume from the jasmine and other flowers lingers inside. It's so wonderful. Only scary bit right now is the wisteria tree is a little out of control. Sam has renamed it the hysteria tree. I have to find a trellace or a botanist or something. We also have a prehistoric plant--very expensive and rare apparently. When it blooms it smells bad :). Moving guy is coming over today to give me the estimate. If all goes well, we'll move in a week from Friday.

Other news--Angela made the dean's list. Go Angela!! Joe is improving, still tough, but we are seeing real growth and healing. Danielle is coming home today, yay. I am taking Laurel's intermediate poetry class, having great fun and writing lots of poems.

We saw Da Vinci code--fun movie. We are thinking of changing the cats' names:
Checkers --> Sophie
Tor--> Robert Langdon
Whimsy--> Silas
Kiki--> the poor nun Silas whacks

I told the kids they are secret descendents of Douglas Adams.

Friday!! WISCON!!

For my sister in law Vicky 1946-2006

Pondine@cs.com — Sat, 20 May 06 17:27:00 UT

Into The West

--Annie Lennox

Lay down,
your sweet and weary head.
Night is falling.
You have come to journeyâs end.

Sleep now,and dream
of the ones who came before.
They are calling,
from across the distant shore.

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see.
All of your fears will pass away.
Safe in my arms,
youâre only sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
All souls pass.

Hope fades,
Into the world of night.
Through shadows falling,
Out of memory and time.

Donât say,
We have come now to the end.
White shores are calling.
You and I will meet again.
And youâll be here in my arms,
Just sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
Grey ships pass
Into the West.

update

Pondine@cs.com — Mon, 15 May 06 00:34:00 UT

Haven't updated for a while. Been busy. Last week, went to Baltimore to help Angela pack up and move home. Lot of work, but we had fun too. Finished cleaning her dorm room on Monday and then raced, dirty and sweaty, down to DC to see the Hokusai exhibit at the Smithsonian. Was awesome. Flew home Tuesday morning.

Joe is slowly getting better, but it's still very frustrating and sad. It's good having Angela home though. She's a bright star for Joe and me.

We are starting the move. Angela and I are cleaning out the garage, sorting through about a million boxes. Most were packed last year when I was with the kids in Baltimore, so I have no idea what's what or where. Big job, emotional. I cry over dishes, cards, stuff. I wish we could just toss it all, but I know there are books and things I want. My passport is in there somewhere.

We get the keys for the house on May 21!!

Taking intermediate poetry with Laurel Ann Bogen. Great class, but a huge amount of work.

Busy as hell, but it's okay. We are okay. Looking back to this time last year...we are very very okay.

Name the House!!

Pondine@cs.com — Fri, 5 May 06 09:03:00 UT

So far my favorite name is Sam's creation: Maggot's End. It's totally a hobbit house, so it works. Anyone have other ideas, would love to hear them.

Ender's End.
Yonder's End.

Votes and suggestions are open.

House

Pondine@cs.com — Fri, 5 May 06 07:01:00 UT

Escrow closed last night. I own the house. It's mine--in my name. The sellers have a couple of weeks to move, then we go in.

Zodiac Chap Book

Pondine@cs.com — Wed, 26 Apr 06 07:40:00 UT

Plugging Jenn's "Tales of the Chinese Zodiac," a Tropism Press chapbook, for a mere $6.00 (including shipping).

Order here: http://www.tropismpress.com/zodiac.html

True and False

Pondine@cs.com — Tue, 25 Apr 06 21:38:00 UT

Stole this from Andy's myspace

I am a cuddler. - True!
I am a morning person - True, annoyingly so!
I am an only child - False! 2 sisters.
I am Catholic - False, but I like saying the hail Mary.
I am currently in my pajamas - False, in my sweaty gi.
I am currently pregnant - Screams..no! false!
I am currently single - False :)
I am currently suffering from a broken heart - I suppose you could call it that, but alimony helps a lot.
I am okay at styling other people's hair - False, I suck, but I do like to braid hair.
I am married - False FALSE FALSE..okay true, but not for long.
I am addicted to my myspace - I am addicted to reading journals, I'll admit that.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message - Almost..turn off the pc when I go to sleep.
I bite my nails - False! Never have.
I can be paranoid at times - False! They really are watching me!
I currently have a crush on someone - God, so true!
I currently regret something that I have done - True.
I enjoy country music - Well, I like Emmy Lou Harris and Willy Nelson.
I enjoy jazz music - True!
I enjoy smoothies - True! MMmmmm....strawberries!
I enjoy talking on the phone - Sometimes.
I have a car - True! My Bjork, hybrid of the viking hordes.
I have a cell phone - True!
I have/had a hard time paying attention at school - False, but then I am taking a poetry class and I love it.
I have a hidden talent - Wink, wink.
I have a lot to learn - True! Never stop learning.
I have a pet - True! Four cats.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal - See hidden talent.
I have all my grandparents - I have them as genetic material, but they are all dead.
I have at least one brother - False!
I have been to another country - True! Mexico, Canada, and Britain.
I have been told that I am smart - True!
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor - True!
I have broken a bone - False!
I have Caller I.D. on my phone - True!
I have bathed someone - True!
I have changed a diaper - True!
I have changed a lot over the past year - True!!
I have done something illegal - True!
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color - True! At this point, I don't think I have ever seen my natural hair color.
I have had major/minor surgery - True!
I have had my hair cut within the last week - False!
I have had the cops called on me - False!
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't - True!
I have mood swings - True!
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life - False! Whether it will happen though is not my concern.
I have rejected someone before - True!
I have seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy. - True! Many times.
I have seen the television show The O.C. - False!
I have watched Sex and the City - True!
I like Shakespeare. - True!
I love to cook. - True and False! Stopped cooking after the divorce.
I love Michael Jackson - Ick.
I love sleeping - True!
I love to play computer games - True!
I love to shop - True! When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
I miss someone right now - True! Angela, Danielle, Sam
I own 100 CDs or more - True!
I own and use a library card - False! Might have to steal Andy's.
I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream -False!
I read books for pleasure in my spare time - True!
I sleep a lot during the day - False!
I strongly dislike math - False!
I was born in a country other than the US - False!
I watch soap operas on a regular basis - False! Unless you count Huff, Big Love, and the Sopranos.
I will try almost anything once - False!
I work at a job that I enjoy - True!
I would classify myself as ghetto - False! Though my homey name is Yo Yo Ma.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and
scar-free - True! lipo suction the whole body!!
I am currently wearing socks - False, but soon as my feet are cold.
I am tired - True!
I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt - True!

Silent Hill

Pondine@cs.com — Sun, 23 Apr 06 21:25:00 UT

Went to see Silent Hill today, with Jenn. Had no expectations other than I'd be scared and I'd hate it, but amazingly it was a great movie. It was kind of scary, but not overly so. Mostly though, it was creepy but beautiful, had an amazing cast, and the story was complex but really well thought out. I am looking forward to the sequel.

Finding lost loves meme

Pondine@cs.com — Tue, 18 Apr 06 13:34:00 UT

This thing with Sam is romantic and surreal, but I am thinking it's probably rather common with using the internet to find lost loves. Would love to hear other stories of folks finding each other after decades of getting lost. So here's the meme.

When did you first know each other?

What happened to separate you?

How did you find each other again?

How is the reunion going?

Shout out for my cats

Pondine@cs.com — Tue, 18 Apr 06 12:59:00 UT

Mornings are tough on Joe, letting go of fragile sleep, of peace, facing school and the reality of another day walking through the glass shards of his depression. I wake him as gently as I can, but it's always painful. He resists my pleas to rise and face the day. Then Whimsy scampers into Joe's room, all white and goofy. He jumps on the bed and plops down beside Joe, begging for scratches and love. Joe comes alive, a slow hand reaching for the soft fur. The pain eases on my boy's sweet face, replaced by a smile for that whimsical cat. Tor, all black and shiny, slinks in after his brother. Reticent and polite, Tor holds back. But in his cat way, he lets Joe know, "I am here for you too, pal." Checkers also finds her way into the room. Crazy eyed and jumping on the bed after Whims, she is ready for morning wrestling matches. Joe slides out of bed, and with the cats at his heels, makes his way to breakfast and the day.

Thank you, cats.

Checkers

Whimsical

Torture Chamber