I was raised in the Jewish culture and faith. Although I am no longer affiliated with any synagogue and only attend services for my grandfather's yarzeit, certain things stay with me, like the love of ritual, education, and family.

And I remember that all but a handful of my great-grandmother's family was murdered in the Holocaust.

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When I was eleven years old, Lance walked up to me at school and punched me in the face hard enough to almost knock off my glasses.

What was that for?! I'd blurted, shocked.
Because you're a bitch, he replied, grinning.

A bitch? Because I was painfully shy and awkward and smart, it was okay to punch me in the face?

But, oddly enough, being punched in the face didn't upset me nearly as much as the fact that John -- a guy who wasn't close but whom I'd considered more or less a friend -- was walking with Lance when he hit me, and not only did John not do anything to try to stop it, he actually grinned approvingly and laughed as they walked away.

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Last Wednesday, I drove past a small group of people holding "Yes on 8" signs on a corner. One of the signs said, "Yes on 8 = Parental Rights," which infuriated me, since it was such a blatant lie. Even if marriage of any sort is taught in school (which I, personally, don't remember being the case), if you're sincerely concerned about what your child is being taught, take it up with the Board of Education - don't violate someone else's rights just because you're too lazy to stand up for your own.

As I drove by, I held out my hand, thumb down, to indicate my disapproval. Then, as I passed the man holding the "Yes on 8 = Parental Rights" sign, I realized that it was the great-grandfather of a little boy with whom Hunter sometimes plays.

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"When they smashed the window of my restaurant, it was not the Germans who did it, it was the Poles. And one of them who was in the front with stones in his hand was a customer, who I had served my special dumpling soup only the week before, and given his little son a candle on his creme brulee because it was his birthday."
-- excerpt from Farthing, by Jo Walton

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I was so upset that I could hardly drive. And yet, over the course of the day, I realized that I wasn't really upset with the neighbor so much as I was upset by those who had made him afraid -- the ones who had made such a concerted effort to develop a campaign based on lies and fear, deliberately whipping their constituents into a self-righteous frenzy by convincing them that everything they held dear was about to be destroyed.

By now, several days later, I'm finding that my anger at even the architects of this evil campaign has started to dwindle as well, because they must have been truly terrified (of what? it really doesn't matter) to have stooped to such depths.

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The University of California at Berkeley has published some interesting research results regarding the instinct for vengeance versus the instinct for forgiveness. What they found is that each of these instincts is equally present in the human population; the deciding factor which regulates which is triggered is the perceived environment. If one is surrounded by a dangerous situation in which "making an example" of a transgressor may dissuade others from attacking, then vengeance becomes primary. However, in situations in which survival is dependent upon mutual cooperation, participants are far more likely to show forgiveness.

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Up here in rural, conservative Big Bear, the Proposition 8 "debate" has gotten vicious. Accusations of hatred and bigotry have been competing with pleas to Think Of The Children and Our Way Of Life. A couple of people were arrested and thrown in jail for ripping off Yes on 8 signs. The local paper, however, has tried very hard to present a balanced view of the situation, making sure both sides are equally represented in articles, Op Ed pieces and letters to the editor.

I have submitted my own letter to the newspaper:

"I would like to thank the Grizzly for making such a strong effort to provide balanced and fair coverage of the deeply emotional controversy surrounding Proposition 8. It seems as though it became a battle between strongly held religious beliefs and the American promise that everyone deserves equal treatment under the rule of law. Perhaps the only solution is for the government to get out of the "marriage" business entirely such that any and all religious (or non-religious, for that matter) participants can perform their own marriage ceremonies and commitments, and the State will only be involved with the legal and contractual aspects of the partnership. Perhaps then we can once again focus on what we have in common and start to rebuild the warm, caring sense of community that is the reason we moved to Big Bear in the first place."

It's a weekly paper, so we'll find out on Wednesday whether or not they choose to print it. Regardless, even though I sorrowfully believe that this attempt at legalized discrimination will pass, I am feeling far less agitated now that I have found my own path toward reconciliation and acceptance -- not of bigotry, but acceptance of others' humanity. For the first step in persuasion must always be respect, and for many people, before they can open their hearts, first they must feel safe and unthreatened.