hallawayjoe

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hallawayjoe
Andyland

2004-01-18 3:45 AM
School starts soon

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I am teaching four courses beginning on Wednesday.

I should have my hands full between that and Antioch.

Teaching English A, and 102, and it is all argument and developmental writing. No Lit. At least not in the text books...But I am going to add my art component into both classes, and focus on in class writing. I am happy to have the income but I seriously need to get a full time job at a community college soon. It is time I start making money!

The disappointing news, is I finally got my nerve up to ask a woman out and I get turned down.

I finally meet an available woman, and learn that she is not available to me.

It is pretty hard to stay positive in some areas.

All I wanted was a date. At least, initially.

Well... Maybe I will try that speed dating thing.

Lightning did strike once... and I am not so sure I had anything to do with it.

My problem is, I have only one hobbie. Maybe I need to go to church more often... but I am not likely to meet anyone compatible in church.

I am trying to think... maybe the Sierra Club?

Maybe the Democrats, although I tried that before, and it was all gay men... no... but it wasn't really a dating market.

Mensa? No... I am not a real genius.

I am lucky I have poetry, but that doesn't fill all my needs.

I love mountains and scenic beauty... so something outdoorsy might be right. Maybe... Something that involved hiking or nature walks?

Bowling was okay, but I was not good enough at it, and i don't like cigarette smoke.

Camping and Hiking seem to be the thing, maybe in a group or club. Problem is, it will probably be more men than women and the men will be better looking, richer, etc. etc... I should give it a try, but not get my hopes up to high.

Here is a prediction.

I will get my MFA in 2005, and still continue at UNLV, and live at home until my mom and dad are dead, inherit the mortgage which won't be too much by that time and spend my life a bachelor. Sporadic dates here and there, and nothing really exciting happening in my life, and then I will die at age 60 or 70 and no one will remember me. Okay... that is self pity speaking, but it has happened to nicer persons.

I don't know if there ever were any women that ever had the hots for me. The girl I dated 8 years ago kind of did, but I think I wanted her more than she wanted me. Granted, I didn't treat her all that well. I wasn't a bastard to her, but I did kind of make her into a sex object. Today, would I make the same mistake? I don't know. Probably not, because my sex drive is waning. Pretty soon I am going to need Viagara... or maybe I won't need it. I won't have any use for it. Okay, so I don't have a radar that can sense when a girl...ahem, woman likes me... I have no clue if she likes me unless she hits me with it.

That has never happened except one time, and that was with J. So, now, 8 years celibate, not by choice, I am also alone, and lonely.

I have grown more and more to accept my loneliness and probably will be alone for the majority, if not the duration of my life. It doesn't feel like I have much control over it. I mean, I don't ever get set up on dates, and things never happen out of luck

I am trying to think of all the women I dated.

Becky in high school, was an arranged prom date. She left early to go throw a party for all her friends that couldn't or didn't get to go to the prom. I liked her, but she didn't like me... in that way, as far as I knew.

I am intensely shy, low self esteem, and have little or no confidence when it comes to women.

That was age 16 when I did the prom. At age 19 at Roma I developed crushes on unavailable women. They were either out of my league or taken or lesbian, sure I had a few dates, bu they never mounted to much. I ached with loneliness...all the way until I met J. J. flirted with me... but she flirted with everybody too... but somehow or another we got a little closer... Probably because she'd hang out with the bohemian set all involved in the Virtual Radio show at KUNV. Somehow we ended up clicking chemically... We dated for 7 months... I resented driving her home and paying for everything, and she resented my possessiveness, my emphasis on sex, and at one time mentioned that I was distant. The relationship was over before it started really. We separated, and she moved on to other boyfriends, and I have been alone ever since. I have had maybe 3 or 4 dates since then, but nothing amounting to sexual intimacy or romantic intimacy. I am still intensely shy, and I don't ask many women out.

Let's just say, that I have had maybe 2 dates in the last five years.

it is sad.

I guess I can at least take comfort in the fact that I am not a virgin... as if that really mattered.

i lost interest in the sex hang up, and the truth is, I could be happy dating a woman romanically and be celibate, as long as I know she is committed to me.

Hell... I could be a fundamentalist Christian.

But, truthfully, I do want sex. I want good kinky perverted balls out sex, or at least fun trying.

But I want one woman. Just one who thinks I am the shit. Isn't it time that someone found me to be the shiznit?

Well, at least for the time being, I can pursue poetry, higher education, fitness, and eventually financial stability.

If I made 100K a year, I bet you I'd have a girlfriend.
If I lost 70 pounds that might help too... although I was pretty thin 4 years ago, and all I got was one date that didn't lead anywhere.

Maybe some people were just meant to be alone for life.

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