I know I tout my site as a place where I don't air personal issues, but today I'm going to bare it all - expose my personal life to its fullest - take a risk, jump in naked like the rest of you.

Well, sort of.

Last month a good friend and I decided to once again try the Personals on an Internet dating site. She's had a few dates, but that's for her to report, not me... but, boy howdy, I sure could have fun. Anyhoo, the two of us have laughed ourselves dumb-silly as we've read the Personals on this well known matchmaking site.

Of note, a very nifty couple, one of my neighbors on the mountain, recently staged an intervention of sorts. They invited me to a dinner party and asked me to linger after the other guests had left. Empowered by several glasses of wine, they sat me down and begged me to *off* the dating site - that they had made up their minds to make it their mission to find me a good man - one I am deserving of. Shoot! I'd be a fool to pass up such a offer - not only will it save me money, I will avoid lots of pesky boo-bobs. The only thing I'll miss is the stitch in my side when I laugh myself dumb-silly as I read the personals ads.

Okay. Here's the validation you're probably clamoring for. I swear to you, these ads are lifted, verbatim, from a renowned matchmaking site. There were thousands to choose from, but these are some of my favorites:

1. I am a farm boy and would like to find a lady who could drive the Deere on occasion... (Reenie: OMG! I think I hear a banjo.)

2. This is the time to get dound to earth honesty i'am quite type of a person like any other i get lonely, but i do try to make up for it i do not like the silant treatment when there are something wrong... (Reenie: Do any of you have a clue what he just said?)

3. I am a christian man loking for a woman that is not ashamed of servicing GOD. (Reenie: something about that sentence sounds downright perverted.)

4. I am honest fathful and a one woman man like to have a partnert todo things with and to go placeses with and have fun like to fish and would like someone to do the same things. (Reenie: Helloooo, spell check!)

5. Where are you that I may pumper you. I need none but you. I would not rest until I find you and put your head on my chest. I would like to play the only game I am very good at. It is played behind closed doors... (Reenie: okay, I'm sure he meant pamper instead of pumper... Hmmmm, but maybe not. Oh, ick.)

6. I am a Capricorn whose Moon is in Pisces... (Reenie: And what about Uranus?)

7. I do not Smoke, chew or dip. (Reenie: Phew! In these here parts...)

8. I would like someone to be friendly but not flurt with everyone, I, am sort of a stay home guy go out to eat family gatherings sometimes. I guess I enjoy mowing my yard , the rider type mower. (Reenie: speechless)

9. Low key person, loving my god and loving my retirement would like one day to go to a super bowl game. (Reenie: Still laughing)

10. My friends say im a neatnik, i take up to 4 showers a day, and change clothing as frequently.i like (obsessed might be a beetter word). (Reenie: Holy Schniki! I feel dirty just ready this.)

11. Intellegent, kind, considerate, gentleman and fun loving. (Reenie: Intelligent?)

12. WAS MARRIED FOR 46 YEARS, DIVORCED RECENTLY, TALK WITH MY EYES, LOVE TO MAKE A WOMEN FEEL GOOD AND SECURE, WAS IN A HEAD-ON AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT 4 YEARS AGO. (Reenie: Okay, I know I shouldn't be laughing... because, by the grace of God... but really, folks.)

13. Am a serious retired 65 year old male that wants a loving caring women who speaks her mind, not timid, but doesn't talk my ear off. (Reenie: Well, that does it - blah,blah,blah.)

14. Looking for someone that is kind, considerate and trusworhy and has that special chemisty between you and me. (Reenie: do these people have special computers/software with no spell check?)

15. Would love someone that is honest and open that a special intemancy can be obtained. (Reenie: bleh and gag.)

16. WoW ! I am a people person; I love people regardless of who you are, every body is God's child, including you ! I am versatile, love going to church, bible study! (Reenie: I've put this poor soul on my prayer list.)

17. I am a gentle, affectionate, caring person. I am not into arguing and being or making others upset. I like a happy life. I like to joke and enjoy friendly company. (Reenie: Really not bad ideas - it's the presentation that sucks.)

18. I'm a man who needs to be needed. I'm looking for a woman who can satisfy that. I want a woman who is looking for marriage in the near future. I like passive women. (Reenie: Okay, what fucking planet is he from?)

Obviously, my dear, dear neighbors who are out there looking for a companion for me have a lot of hard work ahead. I wonder if they knew what they were taking on.