I have always been caught between people that didn't get along. Fathers, mothers, wives, friends; somehow I've occupied an anixous in-between area that nothing good has ever come out of.

And I've never handled it well, in spite of all my attempts.

You cannot juggle all these people and keep things going right; everything crashes eventually, usually with much recriminations and tears.

You can't tell people certain things, you can't not tell people certain things. All you can be sure is that I will make the wrong choice at any given moment and make things worse.

No matter how much I hold someone dear, I still screw things up on a regular basis and have to pay the price.

A big price is about to become due thanks to me, and I'm going to have to give up some dear things and people to try and achieve a normality under the new circumstances.

I don't want to, but I don't have much of a choice. It's the only way to try and get everything else functioning with any sense of normality.

I want things to be normal with the people I care about. I'll never have that; Too many things have happened for that ever to be achievable.

So, I'm stuck juggling. Dropping the ball regularly, and trying to pick things up and keep going.