There are so many things I want right now that I cannot have that I even astound myself.

I don't consider myself a needy person (though I may be I guess), and over the years, my material wants are less and less.

But right now, I'm feeling a littany of unfufilled desires and a fear of never being able to even fufill the achievable ones.

I've discovered passion too late in life; too late to do anything but be frustrated by it.

I've always done what was expected of me, what pleased my family, what I thought would give me a stable, secure future, unlike my past. Now that I'm finally feeling like I can live my own life, like I can enjoy it for the first time, like I'm making progress, I feel that coming to a final, irreversable close. I'm not saying that's rational, just the way I'm feeling.

I'm sad that when I feel like I might someday know what I want for internal happiness, I'm feeling also like the responsibility of raising a child without fucking things up too much is going to take all that away.