No, I do not help out with my babies.

I'm too sleep-deprived to be tactful about it, so when various women (always women) ask if I help out, I keep my mouth shut and do not say:

• No, goddammit, I'm not a helper. I'm their father.
  
  
• Actually, yes. My wife's still got tendonitis from the pregnancy, so she can't get the gin bottle open by herself.
  
  
• I'm more of a personal trainer. When she starts feeling overwhelmed, I scream at her to get her hormones pumping again.
  
  
• Yeah, I suspend them by the ankles while my wife hoses them down with seltzer. It's a system.
  
  
• No way. Anything involving feces is women's work.
  
  
• Hold this baby a minute while I smack you.
  

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