TO: Ladies of Queens Boulevard
FROM: The man pushing the twin stroller
RE: Response to your recommendations of June 9, 2005.

For efficiency, this will address concerns voiced by all 16 of you, as there was considerable overlap.

1. Yes, that one's hat is over his eyes. I put it there.
   
   
2. That is correct. He can't see where he's going. His hat is over his eyes. I put it there.
   
   
3. Yes, he is crying, thank you. He's hungry. I will be feeding him as soon as we get to the pharmacy.
   
   
4. No, it's not because his hat is over his eyes.
   
   
5. No, the other one's not choking. He's a drama queen with a cold.
   
   
6. Thank you for your suggestion. I will remove the giant green booger at my earliest convenience.
   
   
7. Thank you for your suggestion. I will indeed wait for giant green booger to pop out during an exhalation before attempting removal.
   
   
8. Two boys.
   
   
9. Fraternal.
   
   
10. Five and a half months.
    
    
11. Yes they are, thank you.
    
    
12. She's at work.
    
    
13. Yes, they are, thank you.
    
    
14. What a shame about your husband's surgery.
    
    
15. Yes, they are, thank you.
    
    
16. It would be easier to get to the pharmacy for baby sunblock if you weren't standing in front of the stroller.
    
    
17. No, they are not "double trouble." They are "quadruple trouble." Their mother and I believe that all the best people are pains in the ass.
    
    
18. Yes, I do have my hands full. I would like them to be full of baby sunblock. See "move, dumbass," previously.
    
    
19. Yes, they are, thank you.
    
    
20. It's not heat rash. It's the plague.
    
    
21. Thank you for moving.
    
    
22. Yes, his hat is over his eyes. Leprosy has eaten his eyeballs and the sockets burn easily.
    
    
23. She's at Riker's. I'm watching them until the restraining order expires.
    
    
24. It's not heat rash. We rub poison oak on his face to teach him not to spit up.
    
    
25. Yes, his hat is too small. His head swells up whenever we play Baby Smackdown.
    
    
26. Thank you for the pantomime and rapid-fire Spanish. I am aware that mijo's sombrero is over his ojos.
    

Your recommendations are important to us. Please keep them coming so that we may endeavor to better assist you in every way. With your help, we can make a difference to boneheaded fathers who put hats over their babies' faces because otherwise they scream from the sun hitting their sensitive little eyes.

If you couldn't bear to shut up and mind your business, the least you could have done was ask.

Yours truly,


Male and Therefore Incompetent


PS Yes they are, thank you.


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