My oldest brother, Stuart Troy Smith, died yesterday around 7:15 am. He had just turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. The above picture is from his birthday party.

I cried more yesterday than I've ever cried and hopefully ever will cry. I'm sure I will cry again today, probably while writing this entry.

Stuart made me feel every emotion during my life, including anger and dislike, but mostly love and happiness. He never did anything half way, he was an intense personality who could command a room or be the most tender father when helping his son try to play a saxophone for the first time. He had a thirst for knowledge too. He read constantly about the universe about religion about science about history. He felt that he hadn't learned enough during his younger years and that he had missed out so he dove in to soak up everything he could.

When I was a teenager and in my early twenties Stuart used to piss me off all the time. I felt like he had no respect for me as a person, that he looked down on me. Then I found out that my parents were having some money problems and that Stuart had been paying for my college tuition because he was so proud of me for going to college. He took care of his family whenever his family needed it.

He wasn't perfect, he made a lot of mistakes but he always tried his hardest at everything he did. I disliked him at times, but those times are insignificant to the love I have for him. Despite the mistakes he made as a person, a husband or as a father, he was a remarkable person, a loving husband and a wonderful father.

I love him and I always will.