I feel rather weighty suddenly. Talking to Diana did it. I think she spoke to me expecting me to cheer her rather fucked up moment life but I found I wasn't in the mood. It's hard to cheer someone that you barely consider a friend anymore. It hard to be uplifting when you see the words they spill and think "Well isn't this familiar? Why is it now that you talk to me?" Diana and I are "best friends" by default but I haven't felt that she was my best friend for a while now. Actually it is numbering in years to be honest.
I leaned on her a little during the Sara thing because I think I would have internally exploded if there wasn't someone I could talk about it too. I trusted the default. Other than those rare moments though our friendship is dead in my mind. It was really just a child hood thing. She doesn't know me any better than an aquantince anymore. I guess I'm kind of tired of pretending. So why do the expected? Why do something happy toward her? I hate to pull my brick out of her fragile wall but faking was never something I was good at. I'm not always this happy goof ball. I'm not always living in the extremes. I can be shades of grey and yet those grey shades seem to scare people the most.
Life is weird.
So I let her do the tee hees and I fall in to silence. Nope, sorry, not getting a laugh out of me tonight.

I don't mind being a laugh really. I have no trouble denying my own troubles to smile as I know a friend is laughing her butt off at a comic I've drawn or a carefully calculated set of words to make her bladder explode while she heaves with giggling. It is really no problem. It makes me glad even if I don't quite get the kick out of my own hilarity as the receiver does.
It is just a matter of how empty it is. Am I doing it honestly so that the person really can feel better or am I just doing it because it is expected of me? I suppose it depends.

^--An honest work for Sam V last night. It's a running thing between us about her professor's child being 20ft high giant baby that causes mass destruction. This dude at home basically played her so I drew this up for her.


At Wells I'm even starting to open up, realizing "wow, I can trust these people, they'll be my rock even if I do have a huge blow out with them." Trust, true trust, is hard to earn from me. There are so many people with the dillusion that they have it when really I'm just an ear and what I spill is route. It is things I am not ashamed of, that I've processed, gotten over and have no attachments even though to the listener they sound deep and horrible. Does that make sense? I hope so. At the same time it makes me sound awful but hey, I am. I'm willing to admit it.

What am I trying to say here?
There are so many thing I've been attempting to write lately but for some reason they lose their hold and fizzle out after a few paragraphs of typing. I suppose it is because they are fleeting things, such as my anger with Brandon of late.

It's really weird trying to distance yourself from a person that is already two hundred miles away to begin with. He wants to know why I am not PMing his so much any more. To me he feels excessive. He makes my brain sizzle like a control board with water spilled on it. Well, maybe not that bad. But it is confusing trying to figure out how to say "Well to be honest I'm not ignoring you, I just don't want to start crushing on you again by talking to you as much as I have been because that would fuck up stuff and that would just be stupid and awkward. So I'm going to talk to your friends a little more and you can stop whining now. P.S. your version of brother/sister thing is really screwy and my autistic/logical side wants to give you a huge smack in the face and tell you that siblings are not cuddly and spill their feelings like they're on Dr. Phil or Oprah."
That's the summary.

I am grounded in reality forever and for always, no matter how far my mind will travel from it. I'm rather thankful to be an autistic person. Only thing is that reality ruling often wants to smack others with a face check. The impulse to rudely and blatantly blurt such things out can be extremely challenging to fight, especially with the force of anger behind it. Makes for funny jokes when I give it a weird accent and recount the inner battle to friends later. :-)

Damn. I love Maroon 5. I'm marinating in the sounds of It Won't Be Soon Before Long, letting it be absorbed in my inner playlist shuffle. Beauteous. I tend to do that when I get a new CD. Never know when though. I bought Mat Kearney on impulse cause it was cheap, listened to it once and thought he sucked. Then a couple months later I rediscovered the CD, listened to it like....FO'EVA and now it is one of my favorites.

Today has been a good day. I think the cold weather and sore feet left me a bit off and let the inner conflicts bubble up. But damn, my Amazon.com stuff came a day early.
Yeah, so I wish someone had seen my face when I got my Amazon packages opened. I squeed, did this hunched over shuffle dance prance like a dementedly happy version of Gollum crossed with a thirteen year old girl of boyband obsessed caliber. Such a face has seldom been seen on me.
And yet no one witnessed it.
How sad.
That is why the day was good.

That and making the thrift store be my disco. Thank you Maroon 5 and iPod Nano. Hell yes I was grooving as my mom picked through sweaters in the quest for a good turtle neck.
It sucks to have large feet sometimes. All the cool shoes in thrift shops are like size 9, 8 1/2 under. I wear size like 9 1/2 11. However, skirts are good and finding amazing, practical clothes is E-Z. There is also that amazing talent I have to randomly stick my arm out when I'm not even in the mood to shop and the find The Pimp Coat or something. Some of my favorite clothes are second hand, like the amazing black dress pants I have that paid for themselves when I found ten bucks in the pocket, or my blanket skirt that is made for winter, comfort and beauty. Shirt I'm wearing now? Thrift shop. Fashions are better second hand and lived in.

With that I am going to meander off and enjoy in the wonderful thing called Lord of the Rings Extended versions. Fo shizzle.
*classic radio voice*
Thanks for reading, this is the Lo show, signing off.