Conclusion: No.

The John thing is a no go. Next time he does the whole "I think I kinda want you again" shit I should just tell him off. I think I'm done with the cycling crappola after four years.
The chemistry is off and lets face it, the only thing I'd really be getting was a physical thing and if I didn't want to have sex with him at fourteen/fifteen then I probably still don't now. In fact my vajayjay shudders in disgust at the thought. Case closed.
Maybe the nearly passing out was an omen.

I'm a flip flopper but I've been hesitant since
April when he started talking to me and I trust my heart. It's not thudding in want and the other day I saw him and everything in me said no and that I can do better and I will wait for it, not settle for now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news library work is going alright. There is no AC in there so I'm probably going to die but I think I'll live. I'm getting used to the rythem of the circ desk and the odd meticulous and tedious jobs I am assigned. I need to make a list of books to read though. Will all of them I want to read it's pretty much the only thing I'll be doing this summer so it's good that I'm working in a library.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Being home is different. You look at it differently. You take it in a stranger way, like an alien still and yet not. You don't know where everyone went suddenly.

There's more time to dwell in old memories but not highschool, further back, before that age marker. Highschool was a huge corner stone in my life. It was a significant four year break.
1
2
3
4 Preschool
5 Kindergarden
6 1st
7 2nd
8 3rd
9 4th
10 Homeschool
11 Homeschool
12 Homeschool
13 Homeschool
14 Homeschool/Highschool
15 Highschool
16 Highschool
17 Highschool
18 Highschool
19 College

The pattern of my life thus far as based on education, broken in to four to five year periods.

I do remember preschool a little. I remember the playground by the cemetary under my grandma Joan's church, I remember the lunch lady and her son JoJo. I remember Blue Bird Blue Bird through my window. I remember Betty, this big lady of squishyness with a long black braid and big glasses. I remember mom dropping me off and just staring. I used to always just stare, feeling like a piece of yarn was going farther and farther out from my chest, stretching and going thinner as the fibers pulled apart, a numb dull pain that I always felt. My mommy was going away. I was sad. But I just stared.

I remember kindergarden but don't. I know that was when I moved in to the house I live in now. I remember one of the first nights in it with the big rug rolled up and the light cast on the dining room table as we ate Kentucky Fried Chicken. It felt bigger, a hell of a lot different. White walls, empty, that horrible floor stuff from the sevendees, the big three paned window, that yellowish and red stained glass lamp that we had forever.
I remember in kindergarden the naps on the blue mats and I didn't really want to nap. I remember doing hand prints and how getting Elmers glue on your fingers was kind of gross but then cool to pull off like you were shedding a skin. I remember I could not color in the lines, learning the alphabet, horizontal and vertical rectangle cutouts on the wall that I still think of whenever I need to think of the difference. I remember walking down the hallways, the lunch room...where I recited Monty Python and the Holy Grail quotes that used to always make my friends giggle "She turned me in to a newt she did. I got betta." Everything was so much bigger then. The playground was wooden. I collected rocks. I chased boys like I was a lion and they were my prey. This resulted in a few talkings to from teachers and many sagas of war. I used to sit on the tire swing and spin so fast that most kids vomited after they were on it with me. I used to sit on the swings with my best friend Diana and one time she was swinging and accidently kicked a boy in the nards but she was happy because she didn't like that boy anyway.

One image that stands out to me from first grade most is the one time I was standing by the window looking at our plants they we had growing out of moist paper towels in plastic cups and I was looking out the window and for the first time I noticed the clouds moved. Like they really moved and they were so far and high and fast and yet they looked slow and they slowly and gracefully moved in these slow continuous shapes and it was awesome and interesting. The clouds moved.

There are other things but I think I'll stop here. I have work tomorrow and I still want to get some reading done tonight.

By the way, this is pre-school me. That was my favorite bear. Notice the black hole eyes(still so dark no one knows the color half the time), the long spidery fingers(still there for sure) and the rather overpowering hair. Those are still my elements.



Fare thee well.
Peace.
~Lo