God I have been at record lows for entries lately. Jeezum.

I'm not quitting you guys, believe me. I can't. Five years on here in um...a little over two weeks. That is a little over one fourth of my currently lived life that I have been writing on here so I don't plan on dropping this. I need to get to fourteen years, six months and sixteen days so I can officially say that I have been blogging for half my life...and all on the same website.

But there really hasn't been much going on. I've been in library land and lounging and very half arsedly packing. In fact I still have a lot to go...like room cleaning and such but I am a procrastinator. Yeah, the next five days will be fun. Not. I do have everything I need though like toiletries and such.

The OMGZ feeling is gone though. It suddenly went "poofy! Bye!" about halfway through the month. After visiting campus all of my summer seemed to be put on fast-foreward rewind and all the tape was wound up with just this little end sticking out. I wondered "where did that go?" There wasn't really much eventful anyway though.

If anything it has been a rather shitty summer. I have disconnected from a lot of people. I don't even know why but it just kind of happened and Kacey and I are not even really talking anymore as of last week when she randomly flipped out on me because I have no tolerance for her e-boyfriends and tend to talk "shit" about them. Then reality struck me with all the reasons why we are such constrasting people in the first place. It was a shitty day and really all I wanted to do was yell "FUCK YOU!" at her via IM and give her the fight she may have wanted from me. But instead I ended up swallowing it and letting it go fuck with my bowels instead.
I dunno. I have not been all that happy this summer at all really. There are spots of sunshine but for the most part it has just been robotic. I wonder if this is what I am going to be like when all the school is done. I am saddened by the thought but at the same time it may well be my waiting reality.

I need to have strategies to not have this happen but it takes fucking effort and sometimes I just don't care about being the angry-sad-still-teen-for-six-months. I feel like a putzer.
Maybe I just need to find something new. Being here is like being in the old. I think next summer I need to push out, go somewhere completely different and just have an experience where I have to push out of myself more, where I cannot whallow. It is easy to whallow when you don't have much else to do, when nothing is motivating you.

It is extremely frustrating though when I compare this me-of-the-moment self to the ones of my past, to the ones that were better people, more passionate and involved and stuff. I don't want High School to be the Last Glory Days. I want to re-find my spark. I need another creative and mental outlet for one thing but I have a feeling it won't be in All the Places It Used to Be.



I think I'm frustrated with life, society, the stupid restrictions I am suddenly realizing are out there, the mind sets that are so cemented, that no one can get beyond. It's everything from being "disabled" and "underestimated" to what the definition of "intelligence" is. Fuck if I think sounding intelligent is politics, religion and life theories. That shit is just repeatative. That shit doesn't really bring anyone anywhere. Intelligence does not mean having you Ph.D. in Yadda-Dadda-Adda. Intelligence could be the guy that just knows what the hell he is actually doing.

I'm sick of people claiming one thing, that they are this when ultimately you put them in a real life place and they are not that.
Some of this is aimed at a e-friend I have been talking to lately that has unrealistic thoughts on life and yet is obsessed with what is real and boggles my mind. I like talking to him a lot but sometimes I think he has no idea how much he wastes words. It is to no end erking to me when someone feels the need to detail what a situation is when you already know, when it's like "duh". I let him go one sometimes but it's like I don't need the sermon, you can preach it to yourself. I knew most of that stuff when I was like 11 but felt no need to talk about it because some things you can only truly know when you experience them(I am told sex is this way) or happen upon them.
He has this thing against dwelling too and I think he believes I dwell just because of the explaination I gave of some of my mind processes that he is interested in picking appart. He's kind of Buddhist based and that's all well and good but he tends to contradict himself.
This morning we had this entire conversation almost about basically how in real life we would probably not be friends because of our age difference and that he lives a different lifestyle than I do and that we would never have reason to speak in the first place. But then he feels weird imagining it could be, like everyone has their fantasies but he brushes his away because of this reality.
Well I am a shameless day dreamer and a realist but I have nothing against dreaming. I know talking to him that meeting any other way we would most likely never ever speak but I feel no need to mention it because we are what we are now as friends.
It's like the same thing with my JS community. I might not talk to any of you had we met any other way but we don't sit here mourning what might have been in the past. We think "Dude I can't wait to meet you in person and do the Stupid White Girl Dance together". Or we just plain support each other and let life go on. I almost want to mention you guys but at the same time I'd prefer not to reveal too much of this site being the gem that it is.
But yeah, he just contradicts himself sometimes because in my eyes thinking in what would be real had we (not)met in person is just as bad, if not worse, than thinking in the happy fantasy. I do check him on this because it saddens and angers me when people think of things in that negative way. But then he's all "Yeah, you are awesome" and I shake my head thinking "you are an idiot." Sometimes he will push my bullshit tolerance to it's limits.
I'm mainly there just to have some fun, not speak of silly round about and frustrating topics of...of...idiocy. It's fun to punch ego thoughts that he has but after a while it's like "shut the fuck up, please!"
I'm not sure how much longer I will talk to him but the experience has allowed me to examine the human mind a bit. I don't do it outwardly like he does. I do my experiments without people knowing.

Ugh. But no more of that. I didn't realize how bothersom that can be until I get going.
Every time I talk to a guy my mental list for "Requirements in a mate" gets longer and I think I may be a spinster after all.

But yeah. I'm angsty. I'm a blob. I'm that chick in the back of the library doing spine labels.

I think I will make a second entry for The Good.

Peace.
~Lo

P.S.
I don't really think of this as bad because she is free of pain and can now be with all of us but...Rest In Peace Kentucky Pine, The Withered One, Netta Momma, JS Grandma.
I seriously feel so bad and sad for it. One of us is gone in body. I will miss her. I told my mom and she was sad too.
My heart and love goes to Netta and family.