Sometimes I need a mini-rant.
Basically I was driven semi-emotionally mad yesterday because I thought my boyfriend was making a silly choice in that he would rather I go there for Spring break rather than him go to France on scholarship.

My temper has a way of flaring up pretty fast and taking some time to burn out....so basically I was very frustrated a whole day....largely because I could not understand his logic in that France was something he had been talking about with me for months. I could not rationalize giving that up for some girl. It lead him to say that "You don't tangle" which set me off bad once I looked up the meaning, which was essentially that I don't take risks and am somewhat dispassionate. He took it back but it burned.
We were both pretty highly emotional and while I want to be there for him it is hard for me to keep my own emotions under control. I would have walked but it was farking cold! So instead I steamed....which is bad but I controlled the best I could.

Like we leveled out. It finally got through to me when I went in to scientist mode and just like...asked straight questions. Like I understood why finally. My anger flared a few times after still but I kept it in check. But it's bad because my automatic response is to slam the door on everything. I am non-confrontational. I think at some points that is good though because when I am angry I am ANGRY and I don't want to say things I'd regret.
But thus the result of yesterday's entry.

Still it was strange. He compared us, like that I am solid, able to shift my desires from place to place and like...control them. He said he is fluid and flowing. I mean it's true. My mind is a very controlled place, not to the point of it being boring or dispassionate but...I don't let emotions and things get in the way of things if I can help it. I mean he kind of can be more guided by emotion than I am. Like in some aspects though it comes off as if he loves me more than I love him but...for me love is not always such a firey heat but more so the steady beat. I think yesterday was strange too is because for me in the situation...yeah I'm bummed that I won't be able to see him for another four months now at least but I am happy for him. To want him to stay in the US would be selfish in my mind where love itself is selfless to me. So it also leads me to wonder how he would feel were our roles reversed...and there he hasn't quite given me a straight answer but I suppose I won't push it.

It was also rough because he brought up the whole "Well what if I can't wait?" which he has kind of sprung on me once already since I have been home. That shit makes me freak out. Like...don't talk about this ending when it is just beginning. He said he wouldn't be able to break up with me but then I reasoned "Well if you will be going crazy paranoia and stuff then at that point I will expect you to cut the source of it rather than drive me crazy with you and have me end it."....Because if that happens my bullshit tolerance will go off and I will not tolerate it. If he can't handle the distance relationship then I expect him to be man enough to admit it and then find someone local that would satisfy (it came off strangely when first explained, like I thought he would cheat on me but then I re-explained it).

This whole thing is just strange to get used to. Strange to get used to a long distance relationship and being taken again. I think I can do it but I will be learning patience but also knowing when to not back down as well. We'll see how it goes.



The visit itself went quite well in my opinion.

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So here is my summery so far....I've been working on it.

It was the evening when we first picked him up. It was pretty strange and magical to see him waiting there, hair pulled back, just smiling as I walked toward him. Like, this person is real...We hugged a good strong hug. He was all smiles. We went out to the car where my parents waited. They introduced themselves, we loaded his bags and got in. Konnor was pretty affectionate, sniffing Ben's ear and giving him the inspection, followed by a lick on the face.
Ben could not stop smiling the whole way, just kept looking at my face and holding my hand, like "Wow" his expression said. We started a tradition of thumb wars as well which he perpetually beat me at.

At home he had the introduction to the dog family. Bizzy utterly floored me in that she was more bothered with the puppies than she was Ben. Like she cuddled up to him and was licking his face. I was amazed. He passed the Bizzy test in flying colors.
We hung out for the rest of the evening. It felt very natural, including his kiss (I believe I initiated....so kill me for being impatient). I kind of instantly fell in love with his hands. Strong, warm, knew exactly the right places to hold me. It was like "Finally! A guy that knows how to give a good massage!"

The next day it was just hanging out together, went up my Hill and made snow angels, talked to his mom, etc. I had to teach him how to put a scarf on since he had never worn one and then I made him dive bomb a snowbank. It was pretty funny.

The days kind of blur. I just know that every day I fell deeper him. We sat up a lot just talking, cuddling, and being goofy. He can't remember laughing so hard or so frequently. The first night I came up with the line "You're more magical than a unicorn!" (<----Lo=boy=NEVER laid!). We had a random funny moment with "I am a lion hear me roar" and I quacked. My duck sounds were of endless entertainment to him. He just liked to hear me laugh too. There were other funnies but um....some of them I really shouldn't say....Well...."Corpses are fun because they can't say no!" <---Ben. I was speechless. I was soundless. I died. Oh and then we were sitting on my couch and I am looking up his nostrils and he's like "There's nothing good up there, I already checked." We were dying laughing and I would have fallen off the couch had he not been holding me.
It was funny too because my mom did not know I snort when I laugh (?!? I know, right?!) so I'm in the car and I'm like "Mom, I've been snorting forever!"

There were a few times when I left Ben speechless himself. That was great. Mainly just through random things like insisting I give him a piggy ride and like....carrying him through my house. I found it endlessly entertaining. Oh and I made him dance in my kitchen and dipped him back and spun him. Still working on the dancing...haha.

The BEST though was getting him in the dress. I have a red dress and I made him wear it. I threw on his clothes but it was hilarious seeing him hold the dress in front of himself and spin. I died. I just flopped over on the floor, wearing his clothes and flailed my heavily booted legs around as I laughed. I left my room a second and walk back in and he is laying across my bed like "Hey there sexy!" My knees buckled and I died. He worked it. It was sooooo funny and to think he had been reluctant! Best. Thing. Ever.
I finally got a guy in my clothes! And he can now say he has had a girl in his pants, hahaha!

Oh the introduction to snow was fun too. We went out to try and build a snow man but got more a snow blob because there was no packing snow. Then we went and decided to roll down the hill at the park. We did it together once and were dying from laughter. You can still see some of the remnants of our track marks at the park. I smile whenever I go past it now. He just kept dive bombing the snow and we kept tackling each other.

Oh and he is amazing pianist but doesn't read music. He floored my Nanny. He has power in his fingers when he plays. He had me sit next to him for one song and then starts playing John Lennon's Love. I almost started crying...Like...whoa...

There was also him meeting the family. We sat at the table just talking with mom and Nanny for a while while Ben consumed mass amounts of the desserts that we had at our house that night, haha.
Oh and I met his grandmother since she lives in the area. That was nice. Kind of crazy German lady and smokes like a chimney.

Sometimes we would just lay in my bed talking and I would try to memorize every centimeter of his face with my eyes and finger tips and hold the expression in his eyes in me forever. It was cool the first time I really saw he had sunflower eyes that he had been telling me about online. They have like golden petals coming out from his pupil on this background of sage green with brown flecks. I have never looked in someone's eyes as much as I did his.

I think the last day seeing him was the hardest. He had like...already cried before about leaving and the morning of it was like...silent tears down my face a few times. Seeing him off at the airport I was pretty darn choked up.

I slept and just chilled out most of the day after. I needed to catch up on sleep and still store up for when I go back to school. I dreamt of him three times that day and for three nights afterward.

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After the disputes yesterday we ended up being okay.

We talked about like what we think of marriage. He wanted to know why I didn't like it and understood my reasons (legal BS, stereotypes, etc...). I think in a way we are at the same conclusion even with our very different family back grounds. We would both want to only get married after about ten years of being with someone, almost to the point of it being common law and in thought and heart that person has already been your husband or wife.

We got goofy again. I sent him sound clips of me quacking and he cracked up.

I called him today and we talked. He is most likely going to France now so I happy for him. We discussed the distress of yesterday and nailed it out. Things just get complicated sometimes. We're all good for now.

I think even with the troubles we should be okay. I am still learning and so is he. I don't know how far the road will take us but for the moment what matters is that we are on it together holding each others hands.

Peace.
~Lo