It hits you in the chest and you can't breathe.
The shade of the world turns dark and grey and sunshine is far and wide between.
You feel the wave riding from behind and in to your tomorrow and you wonder what the days ahead will hold.
You wonder how you are supposed to find hope, how you stay strong, how you will away the years ahead that seem as though they may be heading in to darkness again.
History is bound to repeat itself and you can feel the pound of it in your chest pulling you under.
The waves are rising.
The rumble rolls.

"We have it so much better than we had before.
We have it so much better that I want some more.
More
More
More."

But more does not mean better
and as I write my heart goes in fetters
pound and stop
fast then drop
as the foreboding air fills my soul
and I begin to ponder again what the future will be for me
ripping the rug out from under my feet
what will be my possibilities?
There is so much hope invested in the younger generations
for on our shoulders we hold a nations
but heavy on us that nation is
and with its weight we cannot kid

*pause to talk to Vicci*

Vicci: Hi bootyful
Me: Hola
V: how are you?
Me: Eh, surviving
V: awww
V: that terrible?
Me: I'm kind of scared shitless since NY wants to cut abiout $55 billion to NYS college goers
Me: that was what a bill proposed
V: eeek, not good
Me: Yeah
Me: not at all
V: that's scary
V: I'm sorry, hunny
V: if I could transfer my scholarship to you, I would
Me: Heh
V: you're a much better use of it anyway
Me: If I end up not being able to finish I'll be okay but if I can't complete my degree here for some reason then I will more than anything take what I have learned and use it to try and stop or change things
V: that's good
Me: I at least have the resources to know where I want to go and my drive to learn....a degree is just saying you are smart according to a college but it doesn't tell you what you will do with it
V: very true
V: you're very wise, Miss Lo
Me: So in a way I could be all I am here without being here.
V: yeah...
Me: But it has certainly given me a place to start from
V: I'm sorry you're stressed though
Me: I'll be ok
V: good
Me: The stress makes me clearer of mind in some ways

*sigh*

I do think about the wider world. I can't help it. Each day it feels heavier. I guess that is part of growing to adulthood.
I am trying to think positively but when you hear things like that you heart just stops beating. I am learning in class what has essentially lead us to this point and I can make some mental predictions as to where it is going. I don't want to be a negative. I want the answers. I want the positive side. I want to be hopeful. But the breathing is heavy. The eyes hold back, determined to rain naught.
My head is clear but the way is not.

I'll be okay. Life will be okay. Worry and stress are good. They make you prioritize. They light an icey fire of determination and intention and clarity. But swallowing the cold stone of reality...the stomach churns, will burns, action floods the finger tips.
Answer. Find the answer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my boss at the library came up to me this morning and told me how much I was appreciated there. She has told me this before and I almost get kind of shy about it. I am just doing my job, which a relatively easy job by campus standard, and was trained by an awesome senior last year to care as well as having worked in the library this summer. I mean I primarily man the desk but I have no problem going in to the stacks. I am actually fighting the strong urge to go in to the education section and reorder the children's book section.
Anyhoo, it was nice to hear that from my boss, the approval since I was having a semi-crappy morning again.
I think if I do decide to work at a library sometime I would definitely want it to be one like my school. I love the staff. I really do. When I graduate I am giving them a gift that has something like "To the library: here is a part of my soul which of all the locations on this campus you own the biggest piece."

I broke out some of my teaching skills on Guy last night. She has a piano midterm tomorrow and has a long way to go. It was almost fun for me figuring out the best way that I could teach her the song with her being rather far behind. I had to realize first exactly what I was working with and then prioritize what skill was most important to focus on. Rather hard actually. She has never played an instrument and never read music before. Although she is taking the piano class I was mostly starting from scratch. Finally I concluded on just orienting her with the note names and locations on the piano, by at least knowing the order in which she had to play with her right hand. C-E-F-G C-E-F-G C-E-F-G G-E C-E D E-D C-C E-G-G G-F G-F G-E C-D C. Note pattern of "When the Saints Go Marching In" played in the G clef on a C scale at 4/4 time.
Writing this is helping me learn it back. I learn by teaching or attempting to teach and to repeat in that way.
I spent about an hour helping her out before I had to run to a meeting.

Anyhoo, need to get going. Work to do before I sleep tonight yet. I don't feel tired mentally and the will keeps me live. But I keep thinking it is Friday and then remind myself I have three days left.

Adios.
Peace.
~Lo

8 days of YFAT (still)
The Warded Man is out now. Whoot!