7 days in to August, almost eight so I figure I should post an entry.

A lot has been going on here lately so it's been hard to find the write words for everything.

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I am a little under three weeks from heading back to school. The days are already flying by for better or worse.
I will be glad to be back but it's going to be an interesting year. I am a junior already. It feels kind of crazy.

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Guy won't be back this semester either and hearing that was a hard blow to my heart, hard because this time I won't fight to come. She needs a personal semester and I totally understand but I will miss her a lot. She's one of those people who is just...she's the person that seems to always unconsciously know when I need her and is there knocking on my door before I've even thought of it. Together she, Sammy and I all took care of each other, a crew. Now we will be divided with Guy not coming back and Sammy and I not rooming together. It will be strange. We've been near inseperable at school for a year and a half.

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My heart is also hurting for my brother. It is very hard for me to watch as his heart becomes repeatedly torn apart and stitched back together and he just keeps giving. His girlfriend slept with another man that lives almost around the corner. His girlfriend has broken his heart before now. My brother went crazy when he saw her car at this guy's house, turned around, went home and went crazy. It woke me up from my sleep and my heart was pounding so hard that I had to pace. He was the craziest I have ever heard him. Where usually I am separate from the emotional pain of others this just tore through me because he was so raw. He is naturally more explosive than than my other two brothers and I, a trait he inherited from mom. He is also very loving and dedicated. To hear him raw to such a level as he was was harsh, particularly when I heard him cry for a moment. I about broke down myself because anger is easier to deal with than sadness. He said some horrific things and beat his car hood with a shovel rather than pound the guy his girlfriend was sleeping with.
Then this girl goes to patch things up (I have no idea how that was possible), goes to work with him and then he finds her at this guy's house again.
There are no words.
But now my brother wants to live with this girl because her parents are kicking her out of the house due to financial problems.
He talked to mom about getting an apartment. When I heard this I simply fell in to a deep silence fighting back the anger I felt. Mom is walking on eggshells with my brother because she doesn't want him mad at her or exploding at her. She finally offered that this girl, who has betrayed my brother twice in one week, live here at the house. Mom says that then at least she can keep an eye on them and that if something bad happens it won't be an apartment they are splitting and the girl can just leave at least.
It's so hard to see this. It's so hard to have seen my brother in such pain and anger and then to have him turn around and give to this girl again because he loves her as he says. It breaks my heart. He may have forgiven her but I never will. I won't forget hearing him in pain like that.
Where once she was a bubbly active presence in the house she now creeps with caution. She has a reason to. It kills to see my brother put himself through this.
If anything is said against her he is liable to explode. But man...it was her choice to sleep with someone else. She's done it before. Why can my brother not see that while yes, the guy she slept with is partial to blame it is not him that the anger should be directed? Is he blind or does he choose it? The girl has a history of being unfaithful. My brother thought she might change...but it is her choice.
It hurts. It hurts to see people you love go through pain like that.

I'm still not sure which is worse: physical or emotional abuse.
But either way it's still abuse.

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This summer has been nice. I have enjoyed working, reading my books, relaxing and all...but a disappointment for me is that my physical pain has still not relented. I am finally coming to understand the meaning of 'chronic'. Pushing through just doesn't work like it used to. I thought I was becoming stronger but these days...Every day is something. It sucks and is hard to accept but I am finally paying attention more at least and making notes for the future.

Yesterday there was mercy. I got off the bus at work feeling a crunch in my leg and knew it would be a bad day and it was. My left leg was in great protest. After running an errand I sat down on a bench and rubbed my complaining ankle thinking half heartedly I could used a good leg massage.
Mom must have been reading my mind. She surprised me with a professional massage session after work. The woman was really wonderful too. She had the touch that I try to have, a kind of gently deep muscle. I was aware and noting her techniques used on me as she worked. I was pretty comfortable and for the most part even my tactile behavior was kept in check (except for my right hip which would not behave even after I minded it). I was actually pretty comfortable with her working on my back even which is probably the MOST tactile section of my whole body. I reacted rather badly to the light "I'm here" touch but then she got right in to it strong and firm, even getting to my lower back. I was nearly drooling by the end, amazed at what she had done and released. I had this amazing vision in my mind of the energies of my back as she worked and for the first time it was a piece of art in my mind. The woman hit some amazing pressure points that felt strange at first but the rush of them was just breath taking afterward.
Being a bit of an amateur masseur myself it was great to feel the work of someone else. She had hands that I trusted because they mirrored the rythems, pressures and tones of my own work; strength without being overly direct;, like feel of standing on top of sand as something rolls deep down and slow under your feet, like the waves gently pulling the grains from under toes. It is a strength channeled through the whole body rather than just the finger tips or hands and is as much an energy and mental state as it is a physicality.

Yeah. It was niiiice. Thanks mumsies.

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Oh crud. It's late and I'm getting all medieval tomorrow. Oiyza!

I'll write more another time on work and school anticipations.

Adios.
Peace.
~Lo