Okay, screw the last entry. I'm taking a moment to rant before I decide that getting a whole night's rest is better than flipping the hell out over academics and not really sleeping well.

Yes I am stressed because of time management and brain farts up the hizzay. I am stressed because my professor assign an ungodly amount of homework and it kills me because I really want to give my all to these classes, each of them. But all the same I need to breathe and like shower and stuff.

I'm pissed about work because the cutting of three hours off the work week does suck. That's like half my workweek and I' there so god damn much all the time without being asked that I'd be doing over time even without those three hours. It frustrates me to know we are short staffed and it frustrates me to know that some people don't want to do their fucking jobs because for once they have to work a freaking weekend. I'd gladly fill that space but I can't be everywhere. It also frustrates me when people can't comprise a little bit. I worked weekends for two years. I have subbed for people and been there more than was asked for two years. Mind you my personal reward is that people come to me and know that I will be able to help them or if I can't that I will damn well try my hardest to. It's just who I am and the help can be rewarded. It is endlessly grating to me when I feel as though others are not putting in where they should. I take my job pretty seriously, even though it is a minimum wage, 5hrs per week, library job. My heart is bound up in the place and I can't help it.

I'm kind of frustrated because today I just wanted to go Fuck My Life. There is a guy I actually flirted with (yeah, holy shit, I'm like capable) and even flattered....but my other friend is going to move in on or wants to. And it just kind of filled me with this mortifying dread and the the silent inner scream of rage and guttural despair. Why? Because for one she is way more assertive than I am, more sexual, more "come hither". As it is I tend to give up the "chase" to whomever is my competition. I just can't stand it. And I'm also about as shy as can be about openly admitting to my friends that I am seriously interested in someone. I mean I'm not even serious about this and this is even the guy that is Texter Boy. But still, you know? Like it was nice even just trying again for once, for having a bit of hope after the big trial and error year I have had. It was nice seeing the expression in his eyes as he realized I had walked with him to his class despite my own class not even being in that building, because I wanted to hang out with him. I mean I'm not even sure I have any real good chemistry with this guy...but for a moment it was nice to feel that spark. I'm probably a loser because I freaking give up to easily as soon as I see that someone else wants it. I give in to my own knowledge that I'm okay being single and I may as well let someone else have at it. But other times I hate that about me.

I mean it's like Vicci and I talking about our friend Matt. He's like me I think in that he is okay being just as he is. Vicci and I know, and even him (doubtful that he'd ever admit it), that he would be happier with someone there, to make him genuinely smile.
That whole thing is another thing that kills me some days. Although Vicci talks to me about Matt I think she assumes I am unattached. I'm not sure if I'm just good at hiding it or if she is ignorant but as she talks to me about him and I get to know more about him through her in my own way the threads of my heart weave some of him in to me. It's not as though I just don't feel it. But the pain is that in no form can I express this attachment. None. I would simultaneously destroy two people's trust: Vicci's in that she tells me these things, his in that he confides in her. I would lose my own source as well. It is such a complex thing. It's why it makes me wonder if she knows that I feel, if she just only see through his eyes and yet not through mine. I keep wondering it's my problem. I came so close the other day to just saying "You're not the only one that genuinely cares about him! At least you can openly express your care!"
Ack. What a mess.

I should really get some sleep now. I need to do a crap ton of work tomorrow and I am not sacrificing my snooze time.

Oh but before I go a few happy notes:
1) my knee stopped hurting. It's like a miracle. But I have also been adapting my routes around campus and paying close attention to it.
2) I can swim at least a width of the pool freestyle without a noodle. Oh and despite being scared outta mah brains I made it across a width of the deep end of the pool yesterday with a noodle in front of me and the instructor close by. I then did one length with the noodle but it's really only there was a comfort and to remind me to extend my arms out in front of me. The instructor's been pretty supportive in a good way even though I am the least advanced and least comfortable in the water of the class. I do look forward to it as much as I know it will challenge me. It is a lifelong investment in fitness that will work for me so I'm committing full out...even if I do want to pee the pool with fear once in a great while.

Peace.
~Lo