Today I am sad. Not terribly sad, just tinted.
I am conflicted.
Why?
Because I'm wondering if I am headed to the wrong field.
I like history. I am good at it. But what does it really do to help me, to help others, and where will it take me?
I love my school too. I really do. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
But last night I did something I really love, that I know I am truly good at, that gives me a peace any time I do it and has me focus at the same time: massage.


Not for the first time have I been told that I should drop my history major and go to massage school.
I'm good at massage. I'm so damn good that I can seldom get a good one in return.

It was therapy for me just to give a massage after the stress I have been under. It was better yet because the girl let me do it to her shirtless and on the front. It was nice to work on someone who was comfortable enough with their body to let me work on the front (an area I often feel is neglected and is a treat for me in getting the experience under my hands). I like the calm that goes through me. It is supposed to be hard on the body but it really isn't for me. I was kneeling on a wood floor and had no problem for the hour long session. If I go deep and hard on someone for a while then yes my arm muscles are going to be tired. My core gets worked in suspending myself above the person but it is no big deal.
It is very personal. Depending upon if I have a talker or not I get to know them pretty well. There is a comfort there. I get caught in the rythem of my hands, of feeling the person under me and feeling what they need.

I have good intuition in my hands. I have always had a natural feel for massage since I was 11 or 12 years old and started giving them. The most usage I got was when my grandfather was dying. I became a pro of neck massages. I've done a bit of work since then. I gave a full back massage when I was fourteen. I've worked on a variety of people. I was able to feel, work up and and work out a knot that my brother's girlfriend had that was making it hard for her to move and that was a thrilling success for it was a note of my progress.

I have become better over the years as I just absorb the functions of the body and get a feel for what different people need. By knowing my own body I can also guesstimate what will help theirs even if I can't touch them.
I should really buy some massage anatomy books so I can study muscles and increase my understanding.

I am a physical being. As much as I am "book smart" and I am realizing that I possess a high level of intelligence in my hands. I sometimes feel as though in a past life I might have been a medicine woman of some kind. My hands just know. They have a life of their own. Using them seems to tap in to a deeper part of me somehow, releasing the soul within, whether it be through writing or massage or what. They are my medium of expression and communication, craft and creation.

I have thought about it, being a masseuse. But it is hard. I'm in this track now. Maybe after college. Maybe another time. For now at least I am gaining experience. I am trying to get my name out around campus, advertise what I have to offer. I'm not even looking to be reciprocated. It is something I enjoy and if I can offer a service, why not? A trade is nice but not needed.

Maybe it is the frustration and lack of motivation that is making me look at other routes. But inside me I think I know the truth of this interest.

I will stay on this college track and I will graduate but I think I am also going to seriously consider getting my certification to be a massage therapist. I have a healing nature that is good for me and others, at least physically. It connects me to my spirituality and to people. It forces me to set aside whatever is bothering me and just emanate peace through my body. Why not embrace it? Why deny what is my nature?

Questions indeed.
Peace.
~Lo