I am admittedly having a hard time balancing in life right now.
I have a positive attitude but it can't save me from some of the apathy I feel toward some things. How do I balance work and play, social/romantic life with duty, alone time versus public time. My head wants to spin but I've stayed too calm and level emotionally for that to happen too bad.

It is conflicting when I care about my courses but can't seem to motivate myself to produce the quality of work I am capable of. Sometimes I want to give up and even occasionally do. I'm not used to being this way. Last year I would stay up all night until it killed me even if I hated the topic. I'm losing some of that now and these are subjects I love. I am concerned for myself. I can't say what is happening in my brain. I know I need to kick myself in the ass but I can't focus.

I think part of it is is that so much is demanding my focus. I want to give myself wholly to everything but everything is demanding that. So I give nothing instead. It is on my mind constantly. I've never been filled with such beautiful thoughts before but this multitasking stuff is just something I am not good at.

I want to retreat to my physical body. I just yesterday realized that Self-Defense is my fixation. It is my release when things build up in me, the same as walking is. It allows me to perfect my body, strengthen it and be aware. It makes me become whole. But it isn't acceptable to not invest in "intelligence" anymore, or book learning.

I do love book learning. I am intelligent. I know it, my professors know it. However, I feel a rebellion growing in me, a hatred of the endless amount of words and the seemingly endless amount of staring at a computer screen. I try to relate my own experience but after a while I am drowned out by others. I am just a vessel for other people's words and thoughts, a vase to pour out a concoction that is supposed to be "my own" but is really just a blending of the ingredients. How does that really give me identity? What is it making me? The residue sticks to my inner lining but is there really anything to show for it?
I have these ideas, these action plans that want to grow, that want me out there in it...but where is the chance, the time?
Perhaps I am pondering the meaning of life but not without reason. In Western culture we are so about the destination, THE DESTINATION! I see it...but I am left wondering why I am working towards it. Shouldn't my destination be where I am? Why can't I live and truly act in the present?

I have always been somewhat discontent in this way. Some days it eats me up more than others. Now it is just there. A part of me says this questioning is just an excuse to not fulfill my role, to deviate out of the hard work; another part of me retorts that the hard work is in really deviating, that it is harder for me to get off the track than stay on.

I'm not upset by this. At this point I have accepted it as part of my mental composure of late, the questioning under all the layers. It is a line I continue to walk and the truth is I most likely will stay on until I reach the destination of graduation but I am still restless, twisting turning, testing the bearing rein that holds my head in place for the time being.

So that is where I will leave.
Less theoretical entries are to come.
Peace.
~Lo