It occurs to me that I haven't written about this yet, which is surprising to me.

Almost two months ago now I broke it off with Vicci. She completely offended me and what I know as my sisterhood in a way that was unforgivable. My tolerance for her had steadily been lowering further and further as it was.
Much like self-defense class it was the thing that set me over the edge, making me walk away with no qualms about turning back.

We were in IM conversation and Vicci started trash talking two Wells women that I greatly respect and have always admired from afar. Claire and Emily were two very intelligent and strong women, who you always looked up to in class, intimidating but in the good way, both English majors and also lovers. They are beautiful women, probably one of the cutest couples on campus and gave off the feeling that they will be together for the rest of their lives.

Vicci was friends with them on LiveJournal and has slowly been cut off. Emily had just unfriended her that night. From what I gleaned Emily is happy in her current job, doing web writing or something that Vicci saw to be lowly. Vicci was bitching about this to me and I steadily felt my temper rising higher and higher as I read about two women I deeply admire be critiqued for being happy.
"I'm glad they're not my friends on LiveJournal anymore," Vicci said. "Now I can bitch about them both."
Bile rose in my throat.
"Loey, I hope you never become a twat like them."
That was enough right there. I immediately signed off as rage coursed through my veins. I felt as if I had been slapped in the face. For all I knew she was calling me a twat anyway. And by talking about Claire and Emily as she was it...That is my sisterhood and even though I might not be direct friends with the women they have far more of my admiration and loyalty than Vicci ever could.

Vicci sent me an apology later, boo-hooing as usual about why she said those things, that's she stressed, yadda yadda, same bull shit I've been hearing for years now.
As is my style I deleted it and didn't respond.

I am the worst kind of hater: I am an eraser, letting a person disappear to me without so much as another word. My anger is the silent kind that lets people slip into a frustrated non-existence.
I know it's bad, believe me.

The past day or so Vic has tried to contact me again, thinking maybe I've cooled down after the past two months. I really should have just ignored the IMs but instead gave her the cold-shouldered few words. This was wrong of me, I know. It permanently sealed the deal on us being done, on not turning back. I can picture her sadness, her pain, her anger and though I feel some guilt I am cutting myself off from it.

Once again, I am the worst kind of hater.

You can chose whether or not to feel empathy- it sits before you, acting out its scenes. You can turn the volume up or turn the TV off.
The TV is off.

I have a weakness for caring. Sometimes I feel as if I could bleed for the world. Wanting to be there for people is something I am inclined toward...but as much as I want to be the shoulder to lean on, the protector, the help and the ear...all that sadness and pain can penetrate me, hurt me, bring me down until suddenly I'm running away to save myself.
I have really been learning, been trying, to be more aware of what I need to do for self-preservation and sometimes I have to disappoint people, let them down, make them angry. I am not perfect at the way I deal with it by any means. But that's growing isn't it?

I'm trying to feel okay.

~~~~~

I had another terrible dream last night. It was the vivid scene of myself and three or four other people being held at gunpoint in a house. The man was genuinely crazy, had that raw reality that he could kill us. I could feel the barrel against my head, the absolute fear as I have never felt- dying. I have never "died" in a dream and I was terrified. I switched characters, went into the mind of the one getting away, leaving the person that was "Loey". I didn't see myself "die" and don't even know if "I" did. The new person I was in scrambled away, went under a wall and encountered the huge, snarling, drooling face of a Neapolitan Mastiff.
Turns out he was on his leash out for a walk and quickly turned away with a word from his master.
Relief rushed through me.

I woke up with that cruel feeling in me though.
I am glad I can so easily shift bodies in dreams. I haven't even been "myself" until quite recently. I have been but sometimes I am just a non-existent observer or someone else entirely just tagging along for the ride. Last night I was thankful for my "jump". I have friends who die often in their dreams but I have never been so close to it myself.

~~~~~

-sigh-
I think I am going to head out now, escape these dreary thoughts and feelings and try to find some fun.
Peace all,
~Lo