Am I really that different since I was 14?

It's weird how things come full circle sometimes.

I spoke with Johnny tonight, The Johnny, if any of you JSers were around when I first started on here (all it's private now) who was my "first love." I saw him briefly in town today and then we Facebook friended each other and talked for a bit just now. Seeing me brought back a lot of memories for him and thus allows me to look at a past self through him. It's funny how 6 or 7 years go by.

I said it years ago and know it still but he is still a person I will always love, not romantically, but as family, as a friend. We were there to show the deepest parts of each others' pain and made it out with a connection.

I think what's up with John, after talking to him tonight, is that...in some way I think he might still be "in love" with me, at least with my family and the memories. He's always been one for reminiscing and I can understand that seeing the life he's had.

We talked for a moment about the last time we met and I was honest about it- he was interested in someone else and I wasn't really banking on him anyway. John attempted to act apologetic, like he regretted, but I don't. It was that meeting that permanently set him into the friend category for me, and I was happy because I had been in love with him throughout high school even when I was with other people.
I was able to shed the weight of that more insistent romantic love after that meeting. I can say it honestly and I don't regret the loss because it was good to move on emotionally.

According to Johnny I am much more self-assured now, less shy, not as awkward now, which is interesting because I think of 14/15 year old me and thought I was pretty strong. Occasionally I miss who I was in high school...but I did come into my own in college, especially in the past year and a half.
(I didn't want to openly admit it to Johnny, but Matt has been a part of that for me as he's finally been a person who I could lean on and trust while still standing on my own. I have balance for all the small errors we have. I've been able to put things in better perspective because I have support instead of baggage. It's been nice. I don't attribute it all to Matt but he has been a good part of my happiness. I think I feel somewhat private with the love I have for Matt. Sometimes it seems I don't like him as much, that I just complain...but I love him on a level that's hard to be as visible, because it's like a heartbeat or my blood, or a part of me where the words can't follow.)
For some reason I feel awkward about talking much about Matt with John, at least right now. There are different layers and moments of love and I don't really feel like explaining these ones yet.

I'm just hoping that if I see John again I can emphasize that I am only interested in friendship. It would be easy to go further- John said it and I agreed, but I don't want to. I like friendship. I like having our minds meld and swirl but I don't want more and I know this without a doubt. I am enjoying where I am.

I think I'm at a phase in my life where, yes I am jobless, carless, living with my parents, but yet at the same time I am comfortable with me. I may not be content with my current standing or all the choices I've made, but emotionally I am very whole, which is a nice feeling. I sometimes wonder if I've lost myself but I think I'm just about to discover a new aspect of who I am. Talking with John made me realize that, that I've changed for the better. I am self-assured, not as shy, more relaxed, no bullshit taking.

Wells did make me a better person. It gave me confidence of a kind. Yes, I'm unhappy with certain things but I have what I need to land on my feet somewhere.

(Commence A.D.D. Portion)
Now I'm just becoming a babbling, sweaty, tired person trying to arrange a cohesive journal entry. I like big words. So many thoughts per sentence.

So yes, past, present, and layers of love are all in my brain right now. They'll straighten out and work.
I gets to see my Matt tomorrow (er today, it's 12:43AM).

Skeletons are so FREAKING COOL: protect your lungs and your brains most- leave those squishy digestive system and reproductive parts open and let the muscles just cling to everything else. It's this way in most mammals and it is such a fucking cool design of nature that it's like amazing the crap out of me every time I think about it. I mean, it's just awesome. FEET are awesome! Look at what they hold up!
Okay, I'm stopping now.

Peace.
~Lo