What the fork, is the end of October seriously this close already?

...Yes, yes it is. Time is going so fast!

So, what have I been up to? Applying for jobs like hell and thinking about life and probably sounding slightly pathetic.

Friday was one of those "Oh thanks life..." days again where I woke up with a cold (I blame the guy behind me on the Greyhound) and then all I wanted was a stinkin' cup of fancy coffee...and then I locked myself out of my apartment. Yeah, I left my keys inside when I left. My apartment is upstairs and through two doors. It was raining. My cellphone was dying. My landlord was out of town for the weekend, my parents were on vacation and I didn't have an extra set of keys.
Thankfully my brother Rob's girlfriend Fawn came and picked me up...but then as we are headed home her car randomly breaks down in an intersection...and HER cellphone is dying too. Fawn and I were like "Uh...what do we do?" We're in the freaking turning lane of course so it was like "Step out dah car and potentially get hit!" She calls her dad and he calls a tow truck friend and meanwhile I'm contemplating dodging traffic and going around the corner to the fire department. That is when a cop pulls up behind us, chats with Fawn and then PUSHES HER CAR in the RAIN into a parking lot nearby. Very nice cop!

So we wait for Fawn's dad and he takes us back to my parent's house where I spent the next days in my same clothes (not that bad as long as you shower) and cuddling the dogs, who were quite happy to see me. My room was empty but for a large mattress leaning against the wall, so I laid that down and slept on it...only to be promptly dog piled in the morning. Literally. Bizzy slept with me on Friday night anyway as she glues herself to me whenever I go home as it is. But in the morning Angus nudged the door open and said "Oooh! Loey! Mattress!" -snuffle face- -get on mattress- Then Konnor came in and was all "Yo, what's going on down there-oooh! Are we puppy piling? Oh hi, Loey! Oh, is that your stomach I just stepped on? It was squishy! Oh that's a leg. Yay! Cuddling! FACE!"
I love happy dogs in the morning.

It was pretty funny too because Fawn had bought a puzzle to keep herself occupied while house sitting for my parents and she saw me looking at it and KNEW I was already mentally figuring it out. "Oh man, I can see your brain working. Please don't finish my puzzle!" So I worked on the hard half while she did the easy part, all the while being tortured as she searched for pieces that I had zeroed in on at a glance. I had to forcefully contain myself.
Thankfully Foodnetwork and my urge to bake are very distracting.

I'm back at my place today and the mad job hunt is on. I'm applying just about anywhere and remembering why I hate the job application process so much. But it needs to be done.
My short term plan is sit out my lease and make it in my apartment until December. All the while I'm going to attempt to figure out what I want to do with my life. Hopefully I'll have a plan of attack by then.
I applied to substitute teach and hopefully that will help me figure out if it's something I want to do. I'm thinking that getting my certification might be good to do anyway. If I become certified in New York State it pretty much means I can teach anywhere. I just need to decide what I want to specify in. I could do history or special education. I'm also thinking about health education as that is pretty important to me. But if I teach history, or teach in the education system at all I really want to know WHY I am doing it and what I think education is beneficial for. I need to believe in the system before I work for it. If I don't then why am I teaching? What am I really giving to students? Torture? False hope?

Another avenue I'm looking at is taking the civil service exam. That is a good thing to have under my belt at least. And if I end up as part of government then maybe I can help to fix it. I'm starting to pay more attention to local politics as they DO influence what is happening to ME. I can use my power as a voter and as a worker.

I think what's happening is that I realize I don't want to just be someone's agent, just a drone. I want to make things happen. In college I was trained to ask questions and create my own answers, to be a leader and to be myself even more fearlessly than before. I look at bigger pictures and I connect things by examining details.
I want to put my skills to use. The reason I'll settle for a shit job if need be is so that I can work for a larger purpose on the side.

What do I want to do with my life? I'm not certain. I don't have a definitive road plan because experience has taught me there isn't one. But I do have a vague idea of where I want to go.
I'm a reasonably adaptable and passionate person and I think that will take me somewhere...I just need to decide the current I want to follow. Already I feel like I have more direction and that I'm trying at least. I know what doesn't work and ultimately that will guide me closer to what does.
I think I have a lot of strengths, it's just figuring out how to best use them.
I don't like being indecisive and I trying to force myself not to be right now.

So I'll do it. I'll rock this thing out. I'll try damn hard to not be pulled into the cynical and depressing (so freaking hard this past week) and I'll live and be thankful. I can be grateful for dogs that love me, that my acne seems to finally be going away, that for now I'm making it, that the weather has been nice, that I have AMAZING friends and people who care about me, that I have love and support.

With that, I end.
Peace.
~Lo