That feeling where you know you are a serious bitch and a forceful control freak
and where you wonder why that is and why you feel the need to be
deciding if you have been rightious or wrong
where you say you won't think anymore
but your thoughts drive you crazy anyway
back and forth
back and forth

is it love?
is it projected ideals?
are you just too afraid of heart break?
of wasted time?
or do you really love and think you are holding on because this is right
because this is love
because this can work

you debate if you are the one to blame
if you have sabotaged yourself
you question if you are bending falsely to please each other
you question if this really is just based on sex
and you are terrified of being with anyone else
terrified to the point of tears and shaking at the thought
because your loyalty and love have run so long that you can't fathom letting go
that you don't want anyone else in all seriousness

You can't let go without breaking
even though a part of you has already broken away
exposing your ugliness
making you hate who you are
question who you are
trying to accept and change who you are

but why change?
why ask someone else to change?
because of love?
is that reasonable?

you want it to work so badly
you still want to see them
it's almost the holidays
you don't fucking care

but you do care
you care a lot
a damn lot
it's why this sucks
you want to be happy
but what is the way to that?
And it's unrealistic to be happy all the time anyway

You need to communicate better
but how can you communicate when you are filling his mouth with words before he says them
and he swallows them
and you don't know what he may regurgitate back up
or maybe it won't come back up
it will just come back out in a slow processed constipated mass which takes three days like the time he was actually constipated because he kept his shit in for you and only let it out when he left and had his own toilet and laxative
and you just thought "that is one of the fucking craziest metaphors I have ever made"
...but maybe it makes sense

ping pong ping pong
like a Forest Gump national championship
your thoughts go back and forth
driving you when you should be driven by other things
when you should just be letting boys be boys
lets face it
this is so high school
just with bills to pay

it will work out
it will work out
and you will be accepting
and you will make mistakes
and even if you find that you are a crazy bitch
and don't use it at the right times
you'll know what to do in the future
you know you will punch yeasty 60 year old douche bags in the face and hope it splatters in the right direction...preferably at George Bush

you will breathe
you will do martial arts
you will love regardless of the outcome and your fear
and no matter what it will be okay

and you will finally fall a fucking sleep now.

Peace.
~Lo