I apologize for the complete neglect of this blog I have done. For having been going nearing on the closer side of 9 years now, I feel rather bad.

So what I have been up to? Well, I'd say I'm mostly adjusted to my new city of Buffalo. Walking a city really helps you to get to know the place. I think I know just as well as Matt does at this point. It helps that I have a photographic memory too.

I'm still hunting for work but I went to an agency today that I feel confident will help me. My meeting with my job councilor went really well and I can tell she is competent, which makes me feel MUCH better.

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For the past month or so things have been up in the air though.
About five days before my birthday Matt was in some intense abdominal pain. After spending most of the day in waiting rooms we got into the ER and they thought it was appendicitis and he was pulled into surgery. Well, they opened him up and it most definitely as not. He had about 16 inches of his intestines removed. Meanwhile I was in the surgery waiting room wondering what the hell was going on when a 30 minute procedure was hitting the 2 hour mark. I found a janitor on the almost empty floor who found people to keep me informed a little while Matt was finishing up surgery.
When the surgeon came to me I was a bit blinded by the news and then had about 30 minutes of random wandering to find his room and grab his stuff/periodic hysterical crying. It had been a long day already, as I'd been awake since 4:30am with him and it was going on 8:45pm by that point. When I was able to see him in post-op relief flooded me and intense amount of love when the first question he asked (coming down from anthesia) was if I had eaten. He was hooked up to tubes and sounded like Darth Vadar but was asking me how I was.
His parents got there from Indiana at about 2am with merciful gift of a greasy delicious BK Whopper. (I had been running mostly on adrenaline at that point.) I totally zoned as I wolfed that puppy down. I have never devoured a burger so quickly. Matt's parents left after confirming he was okay and went to crash at a family friend's place nearby.
I stayed in the hospital. 3 and a half hours of spaced out sleep never felt so refreshing.
In the morning I was relived, went home and showered. When I returned the nurses barely recognized me from the hoodie wearing, big hat, baggy jeans, tired-and-stressed-as-hell person I had been when I left two hours earlier.

Matt spent about 10 days in the hospital.
We have both come to loathe the smell of hospital self-washing supplies. I hated not being able to smell HIM and he was relived to bury his nose in me and smell something different.
It was stressful and my life pretty much went on hold but we made it through it. I was very thankful for the support of friends and family through it, and the reminders that I needed to sleep and eat myself (which I can easily ignore but actually do need).
My birthday was spent in good company since Lala and her boyfriend drove up to visit, and my friend Lizzy was around. Mind you, I was rather out of it for some of the weekend visit, but was glad to see them. It was also nice when two of Matt's college friends drove up. We all had a great afternoon chat and I managed to shrug a cake off to them. (I appreciated Matt's mom of buying me a personal chocolate cake but I literally had half an icecream cake in my fridge that Lala had already gotten me...and I'm not much a dessert person to begin with.)

He's been out for two weeks today and is healing well.

Our relationship is strong. Seeing him go through what he did emphasized how much I care about him. I experienced love another level...and here I was thinking "I can't get any deeper". It's not so much...exuberant love as it is STRENGTH, and it's rooted in the depth of your being.
In his case, he has been infinitely thankful that I was there with him through it all. The experience has changed what we are to each other.

I'm proud of myself. I know I handle stress pretty well but I was proud of my ability to hold it together through that, standing in the waves as rock. A few pieces of me might have chipped off but I remained.

I feel focused now and more calm about the future in spite of the uncertainties. I don't feel as if it's going to overwhelm me anymore. I'm just taking days as they come and getting done what needs to get done.

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In other news, my grandmother from my bio dad's side is deterioating. It happened the same week Matt was going through his surgery. I feel a little sad about this. While I have other grandparents, she is "Grandma," you know? The big squishy grey haired lady that I made meatballs with and got me pink candies and grape soda. I feel sad that she all of a sudden fell apart and is going to have to go to a nursing home. I've been pretty close with her for most of my life.
When she was having a better day Ray told her what was going on on my end, so it was really nice to hear on the phone that she always knew I was a very strong person. Something about her words were more validating and strengthening more than anything else I hear that week. I heard another part of her in those words, the person who was young once herself, talking to me woman to woman, acknowledging me as a strong woman she is proud of.

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Other than that, not too much going on. I'm re-confronting my arthritis (it hit me again after a blessed year off) and am being mindful that I take care of my body. Tights, warmth, good shoes, less time walking concrete where I can, avoiding grocery stores for long durations.

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Well that's the news for now.
Peace.
~Lo

P.S. I can't believe I'm 23, even though I'd been rounding up accidentally since January. I'm in like...my mid 20s. Weird to say.