I'm all at sixes and sevens here. In my head, mainly. My body is just downright nasty and painful but that's normal for me. My brain is doing dances and spins and somersaults and it's making me unnerved.

I really should start making a list of things for which I am grateful, like some others who do blogs. I wonder if that helps? I have very much to be grateful for and I don't want anyone to think I'm not appreciative of what life has dealt me. I guess I just like to complain and moan. I don't know why Paul continues to live with me, either. I try hard not to be a nag but I do it anyway, a lot less than I used to do. I depend on him for so many things these days.

It's 12:50 pm on a Monday afternoon here and he has just returned from the supermarket with our weekly food shopping. How many woman have a husband who does that every single week with never a complaint out of his mouth? Occasionally, when I put something on the (printed) list I give him, he'll come home and say that such-and-such an item is NOT in aisle #4 like I had on the list but in aisle #6 way down the end... so make a note of that. Sometimes I do and most times I forget to.

Shopping for food every week of the year is an art form that is developed over time. When I was younger (way younger) I only did food shopping when I needed something. Little bits and bobs of items that were not that good for me but I was young so it didn't matter. I even remember when I was living away from home for the first time, at the age of 19, in Boston in a small apartment 4 flights up, and I learned that you could call down to the corner liquor store and order a bottle of something! What? I know this was true because I did it a few times! How could I have done that? I was only 19... but I did and they delivered it to me, up 4 flights of stairs (no elevator)to my door. That was the beginning of my dance with alcohol, in 1967.

I put a stop to that dance on my birthday in 1981. All the years in between were spent in fogs. Having fun, getting married, drinking, smoking/eating pot (yes moi!) although I didn't really enjoy it. I just did it to go along with the crowd - once I left my husband, and his crowd, I spent a few more years sowing my oats before settling down in 1985, to a much more normal life with Paul. Four years into sobriety was a good thing then as Paul never used alcohol or anything drug-related. For Pete's sake, he never even had a hot cup of coffee or tea or chocolate himself when we started "dating" - and he'd never even gone "out to lunch" before (he was 38!).

I am rambling, and I don't know why. I am trying to fill up the hole that has been punched in my life with the loss of my friend Emily.

I think that's all I have for today. This is an entry about nothing much, and maybe that's the kind I shall write from now on. I worked hard on that last Shout-Out Sunday entry and only one person thought it important enough to comment - thanks Sandy! So maybe that idea has seen better days... (Forget that last part...)

I am grateful for:
- having a husband who is golden and way too good for me
- having two dogs who are my reason for getting up each day besides item #1
- having a home of our own, all paid for, heated in the winter and cooled in the summer
- being able to reach out to you all any time I want and hopefully get some kind of a response (??)
- having this picture that Emily painted and gave to me two Christmases ago:



The end (not really the end... just of this entry.)

Bex

It's in every one of us to be wise;
Find your heart, open up both your eyes.
We can all know every thing without ever knowing why.
It's in every one of us, by and bye.


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