This is from an email to a woman I have been flirting with. I think the inspiration was an excerpt from Hillary Clinton's new book.

"I believe that at the foundation of any relationship there must be honesty. After all, if you can't trust a person, how can you expect to develop something meaningful with them?

That having been said I will admit that I have been lying to you, and I feel that I must come clean at this point. To be more exact lied to you three times during our last conversation.

Lie #1. My car does not live in my house, nor does it hog up the bathroom. It is a beeping pain in the ass, but that has more to do with my car's persistent beeping sound when the ignition is off, and the lack of any proper cupholders rather than any problem with my automobile's behavior inside my residence.

Lie #2. I did in fact receive two fortune cookies, and the first one, which was for you, did say, "A pleasant experience is ahead; don't pass it by". The second one, however, did not say, "Put the first fortune in your wallet and save it." I don't remember quite what it said, but that wasn't it.

Lie #3. When you asked me if I thought I could imagine you as harming anyone I replied by informing you that you seemed as likely to harm someone as Mother Teresa. That was a lie. In fact at that very moment I was thinking of you as streetsmart ninja kickboxing reporter, and imagining the following utterances emerging from your vocal apparatus:
"No comment?"
"No comment?!"
"Think you can comment on this muthafucka?"
In my mind I saw you in hip high leather boots with heels kicking the mayor in the face, and the word "Bwham!" appearing in a caption above the contact point. I found these words and imagery disturbing, and at the same time.....stimulating.

So there. I am a wretched individual. I have in fact lied to you. I hope that you can see it within yourself to forgive me for these deliberate misstatements. I realize that I have failed myself and you, but I felt that it was better to reveal my misdeeds now, rather than have you discover them at some later point.

I am sorry to interrupt your day with this, and I hope that you are able to function for the remainder of the afternoon dispite this shameful news. I can understand perfectly if you do not wish to have any further contact with me.

Brainsalad