Infants cry all the time. They cry the instant they are born and continue with little interruption for about the next two years. They cry when they are hungry or because they need to be changed or just because they feel uncomfortable.

By comparison, puppies almost never cry. They may(very rarely) whimper or whine, but by comparison to babies puppies spend much more of the time happy, with tails wagging hard so hard the rest of their body shakes, licking everything in sight, greeting everyone with joy, and running everywhere. If a puppy is hungry, it just finds its mom and nurses. If a puppy needs to defecate, it does so and then just waddles away.

The difference in attitude between puppies and babies is a stunning one. Puppies spend most of their waking hours happy, while babies are distressed much of the time. After some intensive examination of this situation I have decided that only one conclusion is possible: most babies cry because they are upset that they are not puppies.

Just think about it from the baby's standpoint. They are hanging out in the womb anticipating that they will be puppies. They imagine a fun life of chasing balls, rolling over dead animals, and either eating or trying to have sex with just about everything that moves. Suddenly they are shoved down a birth canal which is just way too damned small and they realize that they have been had. Instead of being born a puppy, they are stuck with a life filled with miseries like running out of clean underwear, being forced to learn the quadratic equation, and suffering from post-election angst. This results in severe trauma for the baby and as a result they suffer typical trauma symptoms like waking up in the middle of the night, frequent crying, and a general inability to do anything except eat.

So the next time you see an infant crying while his or her parents stand there not knowing what to do, realize that the baby is just looking for a little sympathy. Walk over, nod in agreement at them, and say, "I'm sorry you're not a puppy too. Opposable thumbs will help somewhat once you figure out to use them."