Hello there very dear Brainsalad

First I want to apologize for making promises I didn't keep. I didn't mean to be unfair or untrue to my word and the last thing I want to do is disappoint you or let you down, though I recognize that I have done that repeatedly. I'm really so sorry that I've made you at all unhappy. It honestly breaks my heart to think of you unhappy for any reason, but especially to think I'm the one responsible. I've felt closer to you and more connected to you than anyone else I've ever dated. I think I care about you and worry about you more than anyone else I've ever dated. (And I admire you -- which is sort of the opposite of feeling sorry for you, for the record, even if I do feel empathy and compassion.)

My problems in relationships have existed for a long time--all this stuff of being withdrawn, not so interested in sex, and feeling worn out. ... I've always been somewhat withdrawn from life and especially withdrawn from romantic relationships. I've been thinking I could try to work on that (and everything) within the context of our relationship. But I'm pretty sure that would not be fair to you, especially after realizing how bad and lonely you have felt these last few weeks. You deserve to be happy, and to have a partner who can be more present. It makes me sad when I am reluctant to do things you want to do. I wish I could make myself different overnight, or even in a few weeks. But so far I haven't been able to do that. Being always a bit withdrawn, at a bit of an emotional remove, is something I've been doing for so much of my life, and it's hard to give up old tricks, old crutches. And then there are my problems with psychological fatigue, too, which make everything so much more complicated. And I feel like I've gone through the last few weeks in a daze, unable to think straight or to feel the least bit psychologically stable.

In a lot of ways, I want to be the special person in your life. I don't want to let you go but I also feel like it's not fair to you to try to hold on to you when I feel so muddled and mixed up (and weak). I feel like it would be good to take at least a week or two to breathe deeply and clear our heads -- but before we do that, I want to propose a possible picnic somewhere tomorrow late afternoon. We could put down a blanket in a shaded tree-rich place, eat some cheese and lentil soup and things, maybe read a little. Then I'll need to come home alone. I'd like for us both to have something to do on the 4th of July.

I am going to send this without re-reading it or over-thinking it too much, and before it gets too late.

------------------------------------------------------
Dearest M.

That was very nice. I'm sorry i fart too much and snore in my sleep and smell funny, that I can't connect with a lot of the literature you've given me to read, and that when I wake in the middle of the night, sometimes I ache knowing that you are a room away from me instead of inches where I can feel your warmth and listen to you breathe.

I've already been asleep this evening. I woke about 45 minutes ago and saw your email. I feel tired of with an ache that only your presence or the passage of time will cure. Perhaps it is similar to how you feel constantly. Which is why the following video showing up on my you tube feed seemed strangely appropriate.
https://youtu.be/1TG4LBBXedc

I have been assuming for the past month every time I left you that it was the last time. I mean that quite seriously. When I left your glasses at your bedside. On other occasions when I walked around briefly taking what I thought was my last look at the farm and saying goodbye to Dylan at least twice and looking for the baby birds another. Each time, I felt like I was leaving for the last time and that I would never see you again. It hasn't been that bad except for this afternoon, although I felt it somewhat Friday afternoon as well.

"You are so beautiful to me" (Joe Cocker) had a certain amount of truth to it in that you are beautiful to me, but I was also thinking that you aren't everything i hoped for because you are a flawed person and I am a flawed person. You aren't everything I need because much of that has to come from inside myself. But you could be everything i need in I felt like it was workable. I don't need to sleep next to you. We don't have to mutually enjoy the same works of art. You could even eat organic food even though it's a ridiculous scam that is slowing down progress. So I guess it was "you are so beautiful. You aren't everything I hoped for. But you are everything I need" in that the obstacles seemed dwarfed by the desire and the enjoyment I got from your presence. But of course, it wasn't to be. So i felt a little nostalgic and ironic, and I was just savoring the moment. And you did seem "so beautiful" in exactly the way the song meant it. But the song implies a desperation and longing that seem almost pathetic coming from someone who was expecting a relationship to end, and that wasn't quite where i was at.

This morning I felt like we were floating on a knife edge. It heightened my senses so that everything became startling focused. I don't think I could have possibly been more present. I think I have your right leg fully memorized and permanently imprinted. I would have liked to have done that with every inch of you. But it was more than just your physical presence that seemed heightened. It was the birds and the grass and the leaves and the clouds.

So yeah. I could go for another afternoon of that. How about the Florence Shelly Nature Preserve? There was that one clearing that we passed through. I think it could be quite private and one of us could bring a big blanket to put on the grass so that ticks don't bother us. But maybe that won't work for you. I think private would be better though, and I can't think of anything private that fits the bill outside of Florence Shelly.