I saw the movie "Waking Life" this evening at the Trocadero (a lovely little club on 10th and Arch). What can be said about the mind-blowing animation except that it saved the movie? “Waking Life” was like those conversations I had in college at 3 AM about life and what-it-all-means. Endless loops and dots of conversations leading to no other conclusion than occasional heavy petting. I also didn't like that it was trying so damned hard not to let on that the main character was already dead. So, if you want to hear 25 or so people give their opinions on dreaming and how it relates to their own philosophy on life, go see the movie.

Let's examine some of the good parts: the movie highlighted two characteristics of dreams that I experience in my dreams. First was that you can never adjust the light level in dreams (always too dark or too bright, or otherwise not applicable) and second is that you can never see what time it is. I look at a digital clock and I think I see the time, but sustained observation makes the numbers go haywire. What does this mean? No one will ever know, or, no one will ever convince me that they know.

For all its overbearing philosophy, the movie did nudge me to re-examine my own beliefs on the-meaning-of-it-all. In my Tuesday night literature class, we've studied Nietzsche and Freud and a topic of conversation that's been re-occurring is that of the failure of the Enlightenment to provide answers via Rational thought. If humans are Rational, why does evil still occur in the world? Sour consequences manifest in two ways:

1) Doubt that the scientific method can provide answers to our actions. For example, if the laws of thermodynamics are absolute and humans consist of bodies that must abide by those laws and the other laws of physics, then are humans pre-determined to act in certain ways? This is no better than religion's non-answer to free will: if God is all-knowing, then he already knows what each of us will do including whether or not we will go to heaven or hell. Where does free will exist in this state? Nowhere. Living a physically pre-determined world also negates free will.

2) Solipsism, meaning that we cannot prove the existence of what lies outside of our senses. I'm still struggling with the origins of this theory, but let me try to explain. Quantum mechanics shows that at the smallest level of physical existence, "laws" go out the window. If we are composed of lawless matter, then how can we ever trust ourselves and the physical universe to act in consistent manner? (sort of the opposite of number one.)

If you, the dedicated reader are still reading then you should know that most of the physical laws of the universe mean nothing to me. If paper burns at 451 degrees Fahrenheit, so what? How does that make my life better? I am a human stretched over the abyss. I still realize that given the vast size and depth of the universe, I, as a single human can never affect except the minutest portion of it. I may or may not make a new friend tomorrow. I'm glad there is a law of acceleration, but it won't make me write any more or less. Humans are physical objects, but the mind exists nowhere.

So what do I believe? At worst, I’m a Baudellaire-esque dandy, seeking new experiences, relying on the exhaustion caused by over-exertion to provide lucidity. (There's a great article about Baudelaire at hermenaut.com if you follow the on-line article link)

At best, I am.

(Godkomplex is playing on spinner.com)

After the movie, I told Amira that I couldn't date her any more because she smokes. It was getting bad, too. I apologize to the chain-smokers, but, Jesus Christmas, the smell was killing me, and being around her was making sneeze. I feel awful, but justified. I could only pretend for so long that smoking doesn't bother me. If I had let it go, the issue would have just made bitter and resentful of her. Amira was not happy about this, but I won't speak for her.

Boundaries are important. I love and accept human imperfections in others because I have them myself, but some things I'm not going to compromise any more.

Now that I am firm in how much I don't like smoking, will I continue to date women who smoke? Or will I be a sucker for another pretty face? Why am I 30 and still trying to decide these issues? Shouldn't shit be pulling together for me?


MY CONDITIONAL IS TERMINAL