Amidst all this running around and wild dogs and students dealing with Major Life Issues (if I knew how to put it in bold, I would!), I've been asked to apply for the D.Min. program at my former seminary which is 2 hours away. They would like me to, if admitted, begin in June.

Truthfully, I have been considering more study because I've reached a point where I need new tools in the toolbox, but when I went and talked to the director of the program on a whim on Monday, I thought it would seriously close the door - at least at this juncture of my life. Seriously, I have a toddler!

What it did was confirm that it may just be do-able, or as close as one can get with a husband that travels and a small child at home. For one, I'd only have to be away for two weeks in June and two in January, which are about the best times in the life of a college chaplain. W. will be home all but five days for the session in June. And I even asked the director about the possibility of having another child (we have tentatively begun that conversation with sights set maybe two years down the road) and he said that they could give me a leave of absence for a year to get back in the swing of things.

So, I figured I'd come back and the "administration" (ie: my boss) would say, "Wait until next year - you just got here!" Did she? Noooooooo....she actually thinks it would be a great thing.

Which leaves all the "barriers" out of the way, so real discernment has to begin.

1. Can I do the work?
2. Do I want to do the work?
3. Do I need to do the work?

The answer to number three is an absolute yes, and I keep going back and forth on #'s 1 and 2.

And here is one of the real issues:

I found a paper I wrote for a theology professor when I was in seminary. I actually made an A- on the paper and in the class, which sounds pretty good, right?

On the second page of her single-spaced typewritten notes, after saying what all I had done right, she said, "This is not graduate level writing..." and basically went from there. She was correct in no clear thesis statement - I remember writing the paper at 4 am! And she was correct that I didn't make an argument then prove my point by (my words)using other people's writings - the other theology professor always ripped us a new one when we did try to do that. On both counts, she was absolutely correct.

However - and this is my own stuff, I know - even though she dearly loves friends of mine and would allow them to miss class every day if they needed to (one, J., got away with turning in a paper the next freakin' semester), every time I came in late to an 8:00 a.m. class she would ream me. Ok, not every time, but enough that I at least got the impression that she was a) not very impressed with me, or b) didn't like me very much.

So now I'm paranoid because she is on the admissions committee. This is the woman who had her child one day and proctored her finals something like two or three days later. I'm just not that hearty.

Part of me wants to prove something to her - part of me wants to say forget it. If she weren't on the committee, I think I'd try, but will I be able to clear all this history and be the adult I am now without letting the 25 year old get in the way?

So we go back to questions 1 and 2....

I have to make up my mind by the end of this week if I'm going to apply, so I want to figure this out pretty quickly. Help, God!