If your 2-year old wakes up with a wet diaper at 2:45 a.m., he'll need another diaper.

And when you take off said wet diaper, the cold air and his well-placed hand makes his penis stand up.

If his penis stands up, he will repeatedly ask you what is "That?" and you will say penis 50 times at 2:47 a.m. in the morning.

And when he plays with said standing-up penis, he will not want you to put the new diaper on because it "hurts."

So you'll wait until his interest, and penis, go down.

Then you'll put his diaper on.

And both of you now being awake, he will want to watch Thomas "Momas" on tv at 2:55 a.m.

You'll turn on the tv because you are so tired you don't care what you have to do to get back to sleep, and Barney will be on Sprout at 3:00 a.m.

Watching Barney, when they take a drink, he'll also want some apple juice. So, you'll go into the kitchen to get him juice.

Giving him juice, you decide to try to turn off Barney. Big mistake. You turn Barney on again, but offer to read a story at 3:23 a.m.

You pick up "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" and begin reading.

When you hit "goldfish," he'll sit up in bed pointing to the kitchen yelling "bish!" and "ungry!" until you go and get him a packet of 100 calorie goldfish.

(damn him not eating very much dinner! you say to yourself at 3:31 a.m.)

When he begins eating the salty goldfish, he'll want more juice; to keep WWIII from ensuing, and to get back to sleep, you get him 1/2 cup more juice.

You turn Barney off. No war.

He eats goldfish, and as he is finishing juice, you turn off the light at 3:45 a.m.

He finishes the juice. He kisses you goodnight and puts his head on your shoulder. At 4:01 a.m. you are falling back to sleep.

At 8:00 a.m., you feel something wet and you know his diaper has leaked, so you go to get another diaper....

(This was our night early Monday morning)