We are back - we have been home since about 9:00 pm on Monday night - and other than exhaustion, I can say this trip was pure gift.

First, to get the big question out of the way, "How was A.?" He is GREAT! He now sleeps in his big boy bed and has grown up so much in the last two weeks. His vocabulary is larger, he's even gotten a bit taller we think! It is obvious that he is glad we are home - as we are as well - but he is one resilient little boy.

Now, the student we had staying with him? She cared for him, which we are grateful for, but hearing her cry because she is overwhelmed as we prepare to take off on a 9 hour flight and she's only been with your son for 4 hours...can we just say this was the low point in the trip? After sobbing for half an hour in the bathroom on the plane, things began to look up.

In many ways, so much happened on this trip for me personally, I don't really even have words yet. The quiet and peaceful witness of the brothers in Taize, the music, the silence, the study, the simplicity, even the food!, allowed for something in me to shift. A true trust in - reliance on - God came in a way that is deeper than I can name. Not an "everything will be wonderful" kind of trust, but a peace that surpasses understanding. Two examples to illustrate this:

I grew up Southern Baptist (although the church I grew up in was one of the first to become Cooperative Baptist). The language of submission to God, surrender, etc...was very much a part of my discipleship. When I was in college, it manifested itself in a somewhat "I'm clinging to Jesus" kind of way - a sort of desperate holding of the Holy. In many ways, I would claim the love God had for me but never allowed myself to believe it at a deep level.

Several years ago, after allowing that grace to claim me in many ways through seminary and such, I went to a spiritual director for the first time and shared with her that I wanted to explore some of these things on a new level - particularly surrender and submission. Not in an "I suck" kind of way, but in a way of trust.

She was totally not able to go there, and basically told me that I didn't need to submit to any man or feel inferior, etc... Truthfully, things I had worked on in therapy over the years, so I knew from what she was reacting; however, I came away sad that I couldn't somehow explore these disciplines in a deeper way without feeling like I had to go back to feeling like crap about being a woman - about being myself.

In Taize, I found I was able to explore a deeper trust in, surrender to, God. Because I have been made in God's image, I want to draw closer to the "contours of God" as one of the Brothers put it. I want to draw close and be changed - be at peace.

The second example was through the maze and frenzy of the Paris airport as we were desperately trying to get through security and to our plane on time. (Note to self, get there 3 hours early instead of just 2!). I found myself somewhat anxious, but singing this song the whole morning. "La ju da vendra del Senyor..." is how it begins. Over and over, through the lines, through the waiting, finally when the whole group met at the gate and the plane was delayed so we had time to eat.

I then asked the students if anyone remembered the translation into English of this song, and one took out her songbook and it is "My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." That was what I was singing all through the airport, that was my prayer. That was what I held onto as we got on the plane to come home.

That is what, I pray, I think I'll continue to hold on to.