A confession: I love to preach. Love it, love it, love it! To almost idolatrous porportions.

Sometime the writing of the sermon, it is "Meh". But the preaching of it? Love it.

That's one of the reasons I am so looking forward to the Festival of Homies. There are other reasons, but you know who some of those are by now, if you read much here and here.

To get myself prepared for next week, I've been pulling my homiletics books off the shelves and reading the best parts of them for the past few weeks. I don't know who else is geeky enough to study up for study leave, but I have been doing just that. Many of the authors are people I will be hearing next week.

So...what am I angsty about?

Well, the flip side of the 'loving preaching' coin is my worry over it. I worry about it. Worry, worry, worry. To almost idolatrous porportions.

I don't worry about whether I am a 'good enough' preacher. Most preachers are good enough. I've yet to hear a sermon that could not be used by the Holy Spirit to accomplish something, somewhere, in someone's heart. (And I am not looking for props here, because I have people in my life who are honest with me about the strengths and weaknesses of my preaching. They are the same people I can run something by on Saturday morning to see if they think it is total crap or not. I get props and I get real critique. Honestly.)

I worry about whether my preaching is a good match for the congregation who has to hear it week after week. I worry about this because I get no sermon feedback at all lately. None. Zilch. Not even the dreaded "That was nice, Pastor."

Give me "What do you mean when you say that?" or "That's not what I was taught at XYZ church." or (heck, I'll admit it--I'd love to hear this next one--I'm not proud) "That really makes me think, preacher." Then I'll know it was at least heard.

If a preacher stands for 20 minutes and preaches her heart out, but nobody hears it, is it still gospel?

And exactly how sinful is it that I'm worrying about such things?

I know part of my worry is that I am a card-carrying People Pleaser. But if you've read much of my stuff, you know that I don't preach things designed to make people like me. The past few have had a few grains of sand in them in strategic places, just to gently provoke. (Not gravel, just sand.) I just want so much to be what these people need. For many of them, the 20, minutes on Sunday are the primary (read: only) point of direct contact between them and me. It's my one opportunity to share Good News. Not just News that feels Good, but what the Spirit intends.

I'll be paying close attention this next week. Seeing how it's done, looking for the point of connection, trying to figure out how to be what St. Stoic needs.

And on May 21, I'll be here. I'll show up again, and try again. Try it, try it, try it.