Pay Them in Dollars, Fuck Their Daughters

Darkness has descended upon me this evening, though I'm not really sure why. Perhaps it's something about returning to this house after a certain number of hours, perhaps it's just the time, but for all the comfort I get from being "home," something about it is nothing more than a reminder of a few painful truths.

The truly disturbing part of this is how...*comfortable* the darkness is. Like the house, I know it inside and out. Like an old pair of Levi's, it fits just right. Like a favourite song, I know all the parts and pick it up effortlessly. I'm reminded of my most powerful Ecstacy trip back on New Year's 1999-into-2000, wherein in the minutes before and after midnight, I believed that anything and everything was possible. There were no barriers. I could, in fact, do anything, accomplish anything.

It may have been the most frightening thought
I've ever had.

After all...as I've come to realize, it's *true*. And with that realization, of course, come others of equal gravity. Strangely, I'm no more heartbroken over this than I was before. Probably because I didn't actually *learn* anything new, I just got to actually experience it for a few moments. It's one thing to know you're in a prison of your own making, it's something completely different to actually step outside it for a few hours with the knowledge of what's possible. So doing exactly that was eye-opening in a manner similar to the way other people are shocked into recognizing their own mortality.
It's something of a crime, then, that I continue to keep myself caged. Despite my minimalist efforts to begin adding rooms to it, it's still a cage and I've no intentions of leaving it. I can't.

I told myself (and someone else) after that experience that I'd try and learn from it and incorporate it into my life. Well, I have...just not in a particularly positive way. What can I say? I faced reality and ran away as fast I could manage.

And I wonder why I'm single. :) Christ, that's *funny*. Were I capable of it at the moment, I'd laugh my ass off...

All this and I *still* wake-up everyday.




	Pay Them in Dollars, Fuck Their Daughters And Turn It Into Wonderland Home Get Email Updates Email Me Admin Password Remember Me 57127 Curiosities served Share on Facebook				2001-10-04 1:00 AM It's over now... Previous Entry :: Next Entry Mood: cold, alone Darkness has descended upon me this evening, though I'm not really sure why. Perhaps it's something about returning to this house after a certain number of hours, perhaps it's just the time, but for all the comfort I get from being "home," something about it is nothing more than a reminder of a few painful truths. The truly disturbing part of this is how...comfortable the darkness is. Like the house, I know it inside and out. Like an old pair of Levi's, it fits just right. Like a favourite song, I know all the parts and pick it up effortlessly. I'm reminded of my most powerful Ecstacy trip back on New Year's 1999-into-2000, wherein in the minutes before and after midnight, I believed that anything and everything was possible. There were no barriers. I could, in fact, do anything, accomplish anything. It may have been the most frightening thought I've ever had. After all...as I've come to realize, it's true. And with that realization, of course, come others of equal gravity. Strangely, I'm no more heartbroken over this than I was before. Probably because I didn't actually learn anything new, I just got to actually experience it for a few moments. It's one thing to know you're in a prison of your own making, it's something completely different to actually step outside it for a few hours with the knowledge of what's possible. So doing exactly that was eye-opening in a manner similar to the way other people are shocked into recognizing their own mortality. It's something of a crime, then, that I continue to keep myself caged. Despite my minimalist efforts to begin adding rooms to it, it's still a cage and I've no intentions of leaving it. I can't. I told myself (and someone else) after that experience that I'd try and learn from it and incorporate it into my life. Well, I have...just not in a particularly positive way. What can I say? I faced reality and ran away as fast I could manage. And I wonder why I'm single. :) Christ, that's funny. Were I capable of it at the moment, I'd laugh my ass off... All this and I still wake-up everyday. Previous Entry :: Next Entry Back to Top