Forgive me while I rehash old territory, but I'm usin' my space to blather.

I look out the window and I honestly don't know why I continue to exist. I spend several hours a day filling my brain with distractions and nothing else. I have no drive to do anything more complicated than open a browser window. I occasionally want to talk to people, but when I contact them, I pray they'll carry the conversation because I have nothing to say on my own. I have no form, no substance. It's as if I'm not actually a person at all. I barely exist. Worse, I feel little reason to change because the alternative would require steps that I am unwilling to take. Like effort. I am relatively warm and comfortable, if unhappy, and rocking the boat seems pointless.

One of the questions they often ask if you're depressed is, "Do you no longer take pleasure in the things you once did?" Or something like that. More and more, the answer seems to be "yes," when I look at myself. I haven't sung in forever and that seems as if it should bother me more. I can't think about driving without remembering how I destroyed my only car, which is such a goddamned painful thought I have to run away from it as soon as I think it. My relationships all seem empty at the moment. Sydney (whom I adore) and I barely talked the entire time I was visiting her; in that week, I think we had sex twice. My drive to initiate anything seemed stunted. Meanwhile, I've got SarahLiz, who's great for conversation, generally, and good for getting naked, but we both know there's no future in it. This is mainly good, because I'm in no position to keep anyone closer than arm's length. I don't know that I want anyone that close right now.

It's not that I don't see value in (romantic, sexual, or friendly) relationships or that I don't see the value in work (like cash) or that I don't see the point of it all (like happiness or contentment). I just cannot care. None of it feels important enough for me to bother with. I'm missing a few connections and acting beyond short-term gratification seems pointless.

Why do I go on?

Because to not do so would be a significant effort, something I don't bother with.

In the meantime, I require distraction.