Mommy: It’s not time to drive the car all by yourself while I make the lunch you don’t want to eat. It’s not time to scrape the snow off the front steps all by yourself while I hold you up by the back of your coat. It’s rest time. Do you want a diaper or pull-up?

David: Pull-up!

Mommy strips David’s dirty diaper and pants. She holds the pull-up in front of his feet.

David: No, diaper! White diaper!

Mommy: Ok, diaper is fine.

Mommy, straps the diaper on the standing boy, an impressive feat in itself and gets his pants back on without objection.

Mommy: Nursing time.

David: Nursing time.

David starts nursing, and Mommy starts thinking about eating the soup that is heating on the stove and possibly being really decadent and watching “Dance Wars: Bruno vs. Carrie Anne.”

David (with the nipple still in his mouth): Pull-up.

Mommy (stifling her giggles): No, pull-up. It’s nursing time.

David (out right giggling again with the nipple in his mouth): Pull-up.

Mommy: Ok, pull-up, but this is it. No more changes.

Mommy takes off the diaper and pants, puts the pull-up next to his feet, and she hears, you guessed it . . .

David: No, diaper!

Mommy: Fine.

With alacrity, she gets that dang diaper on and resumes nursing position.

David: Pull-up!

Mommy: No more pull-up. Nurse or bed?

David: Pull-up.

Mommy: Nurse or bed?

David: Pull-up.

Mommy: Ok, bed.

Mommy dumps David in his crib, shuts the door, and goes next door to check her email. She’d rather be eating hearts of palm and drinking a Diet Vanilla Coke. Screaming ensues from the other room.

Three minutes later, Mommy goes back in to the tear streaked face of a boy who is past his naptime.

David (through hiccups): Pull-up.

Mommy: Ok, but I don’t want to hear, “No diaper.” (She has the diaper off and is reaching for the pull-up) I’m not going to hear “No diaper” am I?

David: No, diaper.

Mommy: You didn’t really say that, did you?

David: No, diaper.

Mommy: Ok.

Mommy has made the possibly wrong decision that he is tired enough that if he wins this battle, he will then settle down and go to sleep. She puts the diaper back on for (have you been counting?) the third time.

Mommy: Nurse time.

And David nurses to sleep in three minutes.

The sound track to this one-act is, of course “You Can Jerk my Chain” sung to the tune of “You Can Ring my Bell,” a hit we’ve been hearing a lot of recently.