Great Wolf Lodge is an indoor waterpark resort for families. Are you picturing such a thing? Now make it louder and more crowded, and you are probably getting close. Those of you who grew up riding the waves in the actual Atlantic Ocean, the salt spray in your face, the sun crisping your shoulders or spent a day sliding down the sand dunes on the Oregon coast, grit under your fingernails will find this whole place a terrifying plastic mockery. That understood, it's still fun.

We went with mom and my sister's family. That's 5 adults and 4 kids, one of those kids (David) a non-swimmer who doesn't like noise and large crowds.

I read a bunch of mommy blog reviews before we left, and they felt like straight up promotions. It was really disheartening and annoying, like doesn't anyone have anything balanced or even negative to say or have you all just sold your souls for the free ice cream? My ice cream wasn't free, and I have a few things to say.

What went well:

herding cats

Despite not having a designated meeting place or check-in times (oops), we managed to not spend all our time waiting around for each other. Miriam and Rose are now almost old enough that they don't need an adult supervising them every minute. I didn't like it when they plunged into the wave pool without an accompanying adult, but basically, they are fine swimmers, and they were safe to play. Good thing too because I barely saw Rose.

David and I were buddies the first day, and I just went wherever he wanted to go--the motorcycles with large squirt guns, the little kid slide, the hot tubs--and we met up with everyone eventually.

David had fun

David is shy. David does not like large crowds. David does not like lots of noise. And, David does not swim. And why did I take him to a waterpark? Shockingly, he jumped right in. Really, I've seen him take an hour to integrate at a birthday party, and he was in the water before me.

He had no interest in going back the second day, but luckily, the resort is set up to take your money in myriad ways. David and John bought a pink magic wand that they could wave at various statues and paintings that then lit up and talked to them. There was also a treasure hunt game to be played, but this was plenty. David loves his magic wand.

Fun for all ages

Dumping buckets large and small, slides large and small, squirt guns, waterfalls, huge scary rides for big kids, scary enough rides for middle kids, little kids, and grandparents. The wave pool where you could sit in an inner tube and let the wave machine send you rocking, the lilly pads to jump across. . .

Rose's favorite part: the tube slides
David's favorite part: the hot tubs
My favorite part: the tube slides that were fast but didn't hurt my back

nice kids

The place was really jam packed and it was inevitable that a big kid would bump into a little kid or someone would mistake the line and start to cut. Kids apologized or helped out. This has not been true in other similar contexts.

gluten free food

Eating out with picky eaters is a pain. Eating out with gluten-free picky eaters is almost impossible. But the server did not blink an eye when we handed her Rose's caper cheese sandwich and David's cheesy rice and asked her to zap them. Nor did she have problem with making nachos with everything but the cheese on the side, and when we started to ask if the fries were gluten free, she handed us the allergen book that listed allergens for all their food. Our kids got to eat the fries.

What could have been better:

dehydrated

This was our own dang fault. You're hanging out in an overheated space for several hours and suddenly you realize you can't make good decisions. You can't even decide what to do next. Luckily, my sister had brought her water bottle.

overly hungry

This was our own dang fault. We couldn't check in until 4:00, so when we arrived at 2:00, we just brought our swim bags into the waterpark and went for it. I somehow forgot that we all usually have a snack at 3:00. Around 3:15 I was hungry. At 4:00 I was nonfunctional. Luckily, my sister had brought her bag of gluten-free bars and cheese sticks in her swim bag. David didn't melt down, but he did eat three bars and a cheese stick.

9 people sleeping in one room

I need the light on. I need the light off. I need music. I can't sleep. David stop kicking me. I want to watch the Olympics.

loud

I really wasn't prepared for how loud it was going to be. David had to shout in my ear for me to hear him, and if a child started charging off in the wrong direction you couldn't yell them back (or run them back, for that matter, given the wet and slippery floors.) Loud was the price we paid for indoor fun.

indoor fakery

Like I said at the beginning, the whole thing was wall-to-wall fake. Great Wolf Lodge? Fake wolves. Fake waves, fake temperature (for heaven's sake, it's 45 and pouring in our real world), fake thrills (I much prefer those to the real thing however), fake light (like in Vegas, the restaurant's windows looked out at the indoor settings), and fake wands (where are the real magic wands I want to know?). I found the amount of plastic overwhelming. But, I have played on the New Jersey beaches and slid down sand dunes at the Pacific Coast. I see the pros and cons of both.