Just call me Skinner and be done with it. John and I have resorted to behavior charts for the children. If they are good, they get a sticker. Ten stickers they get a present. All the rows filled up, and they get their nails done at the salon. For the mother who swears that the reward and punishment system of parenting (and education) ruins relationships and robs children of their dignity and ability to self regulate, I'm feeling mighty hypocritical.

Except A. it's working, and we have a much more peaceful and loving house.
And B. it seems to be working in all the right ways.

Let's talk about A. it's working.

David's chart is about using polite language. He gets a sticker for each time period--morning, afternoon, evening--that he refrains from name calling, sticking out his tongue, and blowing raspberries. We resorted to the chart because the behaviors were driving us crazy, and none of our previous methods to change them worked. We tried ignoring him. We tried explaining how he was spreading germs. We tried talking about people's feelings when you call them names. We tried empathy games. We tried lots and lots of nagging. Zippo result. Three days with the chart and the behaviors were gone. He broke himself of this bad habit with the help of a few plastic presents.

Rose's chart is about being slow to anger. Rose is pretty high strung to start with. Then she gets engrossed in her book. David tries to get her attention, and she blows up at him. It makes for a lot of yelling, door slamming, door kicking, and miserable parents who feel compelled to intervene. We made it very clear that her chart was not about not getting angry. It just couldn't be her first response. Within three days of her chart starting, peace reigned in our house. Well, maybe not complete peace, but we heard a lot more giggling and playing together and a lot less snipping.

And B. it's working in the right ways.

Instead of us constantly nagging or intervening in any way, the kids are self-regulating. They are taking responsibility for their own behavior. The first few days Rose would come to us and say, I just did X, do you think that was being quick to anger? She wanted to be slow to anger not just because she wanted a sticker but because she wants to be a mensch. Rose's Sunday School class is doing a year long unit on being a mensch, a good person. Right before we started the chart, we did a parent kid workshop together where we talked about Jewish values that define a mensch. One of them was being slow to anger. I think Rose really took that to heart. She was willing to change her behavior to be the kind of person she wants to be.

We talked about alternatives to blowing up. We talked about giving David what he wants for a limited amount of time instead of constantly resisting him. Playing with him instead of only reading. Walking away. Saying what upsets you in a nice voice. Having the chart helped us have a conversation we should have had a long time ago.

I think David's constant spraying of his saliva was a tic, a bad habit that he didn't do to be rude but without thought. The promise of the sticker and the present created a context in which he thought before he acted. Once he broke the habit, it was gone. He got really mad at me Friday, but he did not resort to rude behavior, and I know it wasn't because he was worried about stickers; he just had a new way of expressing himself.

Much as I'm tempted, I'm not suddenly going to make charts for spilling cereal all over the car, rolling your eyes, or yelling for me after bedtime. But this experience has taught me that the chart may look like it's about extrinsic rewards and coercion, but it seems to be working for my children in just the opposite way.