We had a family meeting recently and banned certain words and phrases: that's not fair, always, never, and duh.

We had talked about what you really mean when you say that's not fair.

This morning I couldn't go to jazzercise because the whole family is going to watch Rose's dance performance. I turned to David and said, "That's not fair."

Instead of giving me a one minute time-out, he gave me a big hug and said, "What you really mean is you don't like not going to jazzercise."

And even though I had been role playing, I felt this shift in me from feeling aggrieved, put upon, under attack, and defensive to just feeling sad. And I felt grateful for being heard and comforted.

Whenever the kids say, "that's not fair," I know how I feel--really mad. Because inevitably the situation is fair and I feel like I am being unjustly accused. We got rid of the phrase to calm me down. But I hadn't thought about how saying it was making them feel, how eliminating it might also lighten their hearts.