"Unos, dos, tres, catorce!"

Jesus Mary and shitballs it’s cold!

They ain’t kiddin’ when they talk about the wind here. There’s only one logical explanation: God hates the good people of Chicago.

Or, in a polytheism, the eight-armed deity representative of northern Illinois lost a bet.

Or, for all you nihilists out there, the world is a cold, cold place…

"Precious time is slipping away
You know you’re only king for a day
It doesn’t matter to which god you pray
Precious time is slipping away"

On Friday, the powers that be decided to spring all of us newbies onto the Loop (downtown, basically) to compete in a "Scavenger Hunt" (whee!), which actually turned out to be a "Document Search" (boo!) But it was fun, besides happening to be the coldest day of the season yet. Frosty and I paired up, since we were in the same group.

One of the questions was to ascertain the correct pre-tax price of a cheezeborger at the original Billy Goat Tavern. For any of you SNL fans, that would be the infamous skit of Belushi spoofing the burger joint ("cheezeborger! cheezeborger! cheezeborger!") – sort of the "Soup Nazi" of the 70s.

Needless to say, Frosty and I were all over this one.

The Billy Goat Tavern probably looks exactly the same as the last time Belushi walked in. And I’ve never been to a burger joint-slash-cocktail lounge before, which when you think about it is a bee-yutiful concept! At noon, you’ve got people tearing through cigarettes and rum-and-cokes. To quote Frosty, "What do these people do?"

We walk in and the old Greek guy behind the counter screams at me for my order. I’m spotting Frosty some cash, and I awkwardly order a couple of cheezeborgers. “Only double today, only double!” he barks back. While my brain is trying to wrap around the logic of only having double cheezeborgers but no single cheezeborgers, he adds “You’ll like it – much better.” (It was close, but I still had enough cash to cover the doubles, since I didn’t have a choice in the matter.) As we got to the front of the line, the lady at the register tells the guy in front of us: "No fries. Chips."

So Belushi was spot-on, even thirty years later. But as we were enjoying our double cheezeborgers (which lived up to the hype, I might add) we realized the Billy Goat Tavern’s really a case of life imitating art. The whole "cheezeborger! Cheezeborger!" thing is sadly more of a gimmick than anything these days.

(By the way, the pre-tax price of a cheezeborger at the original Billy Goat is $2.85, for anyone curious.)

"We got a thousand points a' light
For the homeless man
We got a kinder, gentler machine-gun hand."

‘Just dropped my absentee ballot in the mail this afternoon. I was about to seal the envelope, when at the last possible moment I took out the envelope, crossed out John Kerry, and replaced him with George W. Bush. I just feel Bush is far more steadfast and resolved to do what needs to be done to keep this country safe. He doesn’t pull out when things get messy or unpopular – he’s a man of action, and he won’t leave our nation’s security up to a vote in Europe. He’s a man of principle, a man of deep faith, and I respect and admire that. His twin daughters are pretty hot, too.

…

…

…

(OK, I shouldn’t joke like that. My parents are getting older and I don’t know how strong their hearts are these days.)

"No change I can’t change, I can’t change, I can’t change
But I’m here in my mode, I am here, in my mode,
And I’m a million different people from one day to the next
I can’t change my mode, no-no, no no no…
[can’t change my violence, melody and silence]"

"She’s been dying, and I’ve been drinking."

Breaking news: I miss Cronkette. A lot.


Hold me closer, Tony Danza...