Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these are the thoughts that journals were made for. Inquiries that explore the bigger picture - the mysteries of life that reveal themselves only after lengthy spiritual meditation. Here goes.


1. How do I rub it in to Cronkette that I'm cooler than her now that I have an IPod, if she's the one that got said IPod for me for Christmas in the first place?

2. Does that actually make her cooler than me? Wait, don't answer that...

3. Does she like the high-rez digital photo printer I got her? Like, was that her IPod for this Christmas? I hope so.

4. And while we're on the topic of gifts, what about my parents? Do they want to throw me under the bus yet? I'm 27, and yet even with financial aid they're still bailing me out with Christmas cash. Do they ever scratch their heads and wonder what went wrong? (Oh no, of course not...)

5. Why, God, why does my cousin insist on taking pictures of us while we're eating, getting every angle of the table, every Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, year after mother-frippin' year?? Somebody please explain this to me.

("Dickie, look up again for a second, now everybody say 'cheese'!" *Sigh*)

6. In retrospect, did the topic of conversation during Christmas dinner at my cousin's house have to turn to marriage?

7. And if so, did we specifically have to talk about the different ages people get hitched?

8. And if so, did my family even see my girlfriend of almost two years sitting right next to me, during said marriage conversation? This is very important.

9. And if so, did Cronkette finally learn her lesson and resolve to book a flight to Houston next Christmas? I give it 50/50.

10. And speaking of flights and placing bets, what's the over/under I get on that plane to Chicago next Monday?

11. Let me get this straight, people: You want me to leave SoCal, God's Country, where it's warm and I sit here and do nothing but read, write, surf, play basketball and video games and generally be a lazy freeloader all day while my girlfriend's at work - you want me to leave all that behind, get on a plane, and go to where it's 20 degrees of cold and misery, and get my ass kicked on a daily basis?

12. Really?

13. What was I studying over there again? Hm, "journalism" you say. Oh, you mean like where you write stuff? Or say stuff into microphones and cameras?

14. That's cool, I guess. And how much was I paying for that?

...

[thud]