Man...what a boring day. What a beautifully boring day. Terry Schiavo's having a more exciting day than me.

[cue lightning bolt]

So, I figure while I do my best impersonation of a couch sloth, this is as good a time as any to hand out my official mid-point of school Bad News Bears Movie Quote Awards.

It's something my mentor and spiritual leader Bill Simmons does from time-to-time in his columns, so naturally I'll take a crack at it.

This is one of the great films - a metaphor for life in America that endures to this day. Not only that, it's one of the greatest underdog stories, as well as an alarmingly realistic depiction of little league, for anyone who ever grew up playing the game.

Bears vs. Yanks. Chico's Bail Bonds vs. Denny's. The working man vs. tha Man.

So its legacy should remain untarnished...which is exactly why they're producing a lame, toned-down remake starring Billy Bob Thorton and Greg Kinnear. If we ever wanted to test out the "turning in grave" theory, we should just exhume Walter Matthau's coffin right now.

Anyways, let's jump in. Play ball!


I'm not listening to you, crud. I'm leavin!

This one goes out to all the J-schoolers I've met this year who decided to take their job, shove it, and make a bold career move. Who's with me?


-Don't give me none of your honkey bullshit, Buttermaker!
-Let's not bring race into this Ahmed, we got enough problems as it is.

This one's a tie. First, to the city of Chicago. "North" Side, "South" Side. ...subtle. Second, to a young woman in my class who said last quarter, "When I have a family, I want each of our housekeepers to be of a different race so my kids will be exposed to different cultures." That's almost a direct quote. Those Texas debutantes, I tell ya...


Talk about a loan shark, I borrowed a nickel from him last week. He said if I didn't give him a dime by friday he'd break my arms!

This one goes to the Northwestern Student Loan Department. (Could I get you a dime by Friday?)


Yeah, but when you weren't busy saving people's lives you were sitting around the apartment drunk!

Speaking of dimes, if I had a dime for every time I heard this one...but I digress.


I know I don't have too much up there, but what I got sure hurts right now

This one goes to our fearless commander in chief, Dubya, who continues to make a mess of things abroad and at home. What was all that talk during the campaign season? About "activist judges"? I guess he was right - he went straight for the knee-jerk activist legislation. Once again, a fine job all-around.


Hey Tanner, does he go to the bathroom for you too?

This one goes to my editor/prof Joe, who really took my hand and showed me the way on a lot of my articles this quarter. Business writing - it's a funny thing, when you get down to it.


All season long you've been laughed-at, crapped-on. Now you've got a chance to spit it back in their faces and what do you do?

And this one goes to the Daily Herald, which printed only one of my friggin articles. Honestly, I feel like I dropped the ball, big-time.


Look Lupus, you didn't come into this life just to sit on a dugout bench, did ya? So get your ass out there and do the best you can!

This one goes to all the people back home who encouraged me to take The Step, and come out here and freeze my ass off. So far, I give myself somewhere between a B and a B+


This is for Allah, and it's goin' way out there, sucka!

Where do you think they got the inspiration for Jobu in Major League? I'm gonna award this to my 4-Runner, Betty (not to be confused with the surfboard Bertha), who's loyally taken me this far. I think we're due for an oil change.


Who didn't get a beer?

I'm giving this one to the innumerable bar proprietors in the city of Chicago. Look, keep this thing going: I'll be back in the summer - I promise.


My mom says you almost ruined me with that, that "sports" stuff

This one goes to Dickie, Sr., who clearly ruined me with that "sports" stuff


Alright alright, I'm an asshole. Go ahead and yell and get it off your chests. I deserve it.

This one goes to TAFKAC, because I'm pretty sure I said this to her verbatim once (except she doesn't have multiple chests)


-What happened?
-Tanner got into a fight because of it.
-Who with?
-The seventh grade.

This goes out to all the seventh graders with whom I've been playing online Halo 2 during the last two days. Did I mention I've been out of college for five years? That I've had a girlfriend?


You're a damned good bunch a boys, you deserved a lot better than me, but it looks like we're stuck together.

Um...let's give this one to Michael Jackson and move on. (Yes, I realize I just owned up to playing with seventh graders. What's your point.)


Couldn't you at least have unwrapped it first?

This goes out to Mama Dickie, who generously kept me from starving this quarter. In case you're wondering, a cooler filled with frozen home-cooked food will safely endure a 3 and a half hour plane ride in carry-on. So will unfrozen deep-dish pizza.


Out! ...Crud!

This award goes to "I'm in!" Frosty, who by the looks of his tournament bracket is not "in," but rather he is "out." Thank you, Wake Forest!


-C'mon fellas, Rome wasn't built in a day!
-Yeah, it took several hundred years.

This one goes to my future career prospects, hanging up there like a question mark.


Jews, s@#cs, n#$%ers and now a girl?!

(There's nothing like a 10-year-old runt blurting racial slurs on film. You just don't top that)

This award, of course, goes to Larry Summers, president of Harvard. If, instead, he had gone up to the podium and taken a dump, then he might still have a shot at keeping his job. Good show!


You're like a chimney, I'm sick of it!

This one goes to my roommate, who graciously took me in back in the Fall. And then proceeded to smoke indoors for the rest of the winter when he didn't want to put on his coat and take it outside. Here, let me open the door and air it out a bi-OHCRAPCOLDCLOSETHEDOOR! ... [hack!] Good times.


-No me voy a poner! Esto duele!
-I've been brushing up on my Spanish lately and I think he's saying something about his being a Catholic and it's a sin.

This one goes to Manuel, the Cuban immigrant I interviewed earlier in the quarter. We went for two hours in Spanish, and he patiently endured all my stumblings and que's and me puedes repitir? like a champ. Here's to a new life in los Estados Unidos, Manuel.


Hey Yankees, you can take your apology and your trophy and shove it straight up your ass!

The best line in the movie - especially after Lupus beams the kid on the Yankees with the second-place trophy. Let's just give this one to all the haters.

Period. (word)