So on the heels of Terry Schiavo and now this stem cell business, there's been a lot of talk about the sacred Culture of Life in America.

Tom DeLay's been branded a nutjob...many times over. But I was reading Frosty's post a few days ago and thought...you know? Maybe we've been a little hard on the honorable representatve from Houston.

In fact, maybe he has a point.

In fact, fuck it: I'm on board.

Conventional wisdom says we need this research - that these embryos might be fertilized, but they're rendered in a friggin' glass petree dish and they're thrown in the hospital trash bin by the thousands anyways, so we might as well embrace a true culture of life and put them to good use, giving hope to the millions stricken by nerve damage, by Hodgkins, by Parkinsons, by Althzeimer's.

But then I saw this issue through the glasses of a guy who's currently being overlooked by the entire collective female population of the greater Washington, D.C., area and thought...you know? Maybe DeLay's on to something. Maybe he has a point.

Say we go with this rigid religious right interpretation of the Culture of Life.


Do you realize how much easier it'll be to pick up chicks?


Think about it. Fast-forward and we're living in the Tom DeLay evangelical Christian-right America. "Choice?" Obliterated. Gay marriage? What's "gay" besides "happy"? "Church vs. State"? There is but one law, and it is the Lord Thy God.

*However*

You walk into any bar in future-Tom Delay land, and, if we take this Culture of Life thing seriously, and I mean seriously, then we get to go up to any girl ordering a drink - and I mean any girl - and say, "Hi, my name's Dickie. I find you very attractive.

"You and I, attractive girl, we have an obligation, no - a duty unto the Lord to engage in the act of procreation.

"For I am man, created in the Lord's image, and you are woman, created by the Lord to keep man company. I bear the seed, and you are the vessel.

"We owe it to Life to lie with one another. If we do not, we deny the potential of Life."

And if she's a radical right-wing Christian, how could she say no?

Boyfriend? Too bad. I'm a guy and you're a girl, period. The potential of Life is there and anything short of that is a denial of our Culture of Life. Of the life that could be. (You get the point.)

Actually, I came up with this idea at the National Press Club on Friday, talking to Olourkin and Hugh. Needless to say, alcohol was involved.

And I know: It demands a far stricter interpretation of the Culture of Life. But look, these Life-nuts already have to work on their full dedication anyways. They shudder at the terminations of thousands of pregnancies while justifying the deaths of thousands of brown people far, far away in the name of freedom. The (former) Pope argued against both of these atrocities, but apparently Dubya was more in-step with Catholic values than John Kerry. Talk about being a selective Catholic...but I digress.

You get my point. This whole Culture of Life thing will be far more beneficial to single guys like me.

Followed to its logical conclusion, "Life" will result in a blessed, holy, sacred spike in meaningless, emotionless, consequence-free, unprotected, dangerous sexual encounters with the opposite sex.

Hallelujah! And thank you, Rep. DeLay. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to plan my move to the most conservative Red State in the land. (suggestions?)