Well, it's the second quarter of the Spurs/Pistons NBA Finals game 2, and there are just too many thoughts going through my head to go unshared with all three of my readers. So I figured what the hell - why not do my best Bill Simmons "Running Diary" impression?

First, let's get this out of the way before Frosty yells it again in a comment. Yes, Frosty - I am blatantly ripping off Bill Simmons. I realize this - I admit it. (And I'll have a Cliff Notes version ready for you later.)

Second, let's get up to speed with highlights of the first quarter:

9:37 After a Tony Parker four-on-one fast break, ABC zooms in on Eva Longoria cheering in the stands, followed by Al Michaels saying, "And there's Eva Longoria, who...I believe is Tony Parker's...girlfriend?"

(Translation: Tony Parker gets to hook up with Eva Longoria with no strings attached)

And let me get this straight: People are still actually cheering for the Spurs?

9:47 After knocking Rip Hamilton to the ground, Ginobli charley-horses him and the refs begrudgingly blow the whistle, to the shock, outrage, and dismay of the San Antonio crowd. Manu Ginobli?? *gasp* But he's so, so nice! He's a national hero in Argentina!

9:51 Intro coming out of Commercial: Rob Thomas, "solo artist," singing This year's ABC NBA Playoffs Anthem: "This is how a heart breaks!" I'm not kidding - it's Rob Thomas. ... I want to know how much his publicity team paid, or exactly who they killed to make this atrocity happen.


9:53 The refs just robbed Rip of a foul (surprise) and the Pistons are losing their composure (surprise)

9:54 Three Spurs steals in a row. I hate the Spurs, by the way. Why does a town where the only thing you can do is either 1.) play golf 2.) go on a hokey tourist boat ride through downtown 3.) check out the vast expanse of nothingness from an observation tower or 4.) urinate on the Alamo have a basketball team? I just don't get it.

9:59 Antonio Mcdyes can't decide whether he's an asset or a liability. (Right there he was an asset. Up next: Liability.)

9:59 As Hubie Brown just pointed out, that's the Pistons' sixth miss within three feet of the basket...of course, that would have nothing to do with the non-calls on the Spurs. The game is being played in San Antonio, by the way.


10:09 The Spurs are running on all cylinders, not the Pistons. 51-33.

10:13 Commercial break. "War of the Worlds." Has anyone made the obligatory Tom Cruise joke yet where Earth is invaded by Scientologists, or do I get the honors?

10:16 Chauncey Billups with a clutch three-pointer. 51-40. Help me Chauncey Billups, you're my only hope.

10:19 Bruce Bowen just drove on three Pistons. 54-40. As Dewey just said, "If Bruce Bowen is making baskets..."

10:21 Commercial break. Martin Lawrence as a basketball coach. When I am Supreme Dictator, Martin Lawrence will be banned from making movies under the penalty of death. (Unless it's another Bad Boys sequel.)

10:23 Halftime, 58-42 - Spurs smoking the Pistons. Michele TaFoya interviewing Tony Parker: "Vee need to match zem on ze boads, ze loos ball..." Dewey makes a (not very) bold claim, saying the series'll be over in five games.

Dewey who is inexplicably rooting for the Spurs. Dewey who loves Eva Longoria. Dewey who is either high or was dropped on his head as a child.

10:25 Commercial break. A woman voice-overs, "Sorry guys, there's only one man I go to McDonald's with!" with a baby cradled to her back. Awww, that's sweet. Nothing like using a baby to hawk healthy, nourishing Mickey-Dee's.

10:28 A heartwarming halftime story of the life of Bruce Bowen, narrated by Jamie effing Fox. OK, I'm officially crying "liberal bias" on ABC's coverage of the Spurs. If I were Joe Dumars and the Pistons, I'm filing a lawsuit against the network as soon as the inspirational piano music comes on. And his life takes place in Fresno. Wait, so we're supposed to be surpised that his parents were crack addicts?

10:28:30 (Ducking tomatoes)

10:35 According to Bill Walton, the Spurs are playing "better than perfect" while the Pistons are "totally discombobulated." Listening to Bill Walton makes me glad the Lakers didn't make the Playoffs - you forget how his voice makes you wanna jump out of a window. In the first few years of the Lakers' latest Dynasty run, at least you could turn the TV on mute, turn on the radio, and listen to Chick Hearn work his magic. Then Chick had to go and die, leaving us in the lurch.

10:40 Commercial break: "Land of the Dead" ... Just what we need - another Zombie flick. And if you're gonna do another Zombie flick, could you at least try and make the title original?? Perhaps I ask too much in life...

10:41 First half highlights set to Coldplay's "Speed of Sound." That's almost enough to cancel out the Rob Thomas debacle, but not quite. Especially considering all the highlights are of Tim Duncan.

10:45 Rip just got hit again with no call...and again! Twice! I would be furious - and Rip nderstandably is. He just yelled at official Danny Crawford and got a technical. Great officiating tonight, guys, Laker-hater David Stern must be very proud.

10:46 Manu Ginobli gets away with a charge. I just had an aneurysm.

10:47 Bowen with a three-pointer. I guess that inspirational story of his life really helped. 44-62 Spurs.

10:48 Tim Duncan lies on the floor covering his eye for five minutes, causing the crowd to gasp in sympathy and then thunderously applaud when he gets up no-problem. I wonder if Duncan got enough attention as a child.

10:53 This is unbelievable - now Al Michaels is talking about Bruce Bowen's friggin resume, and how delighted the Argentinian press was to learn he spoke Spanish. I think at this point ABC might as well just start calling the Pistons "the bad guys."

10:57 Bowen with another three - he's taking over the game. Which makes you wonder: Do ABC and David Stern have some sort of conspiracy going on, with the inspirational halftime story coinciding perfectly with Bowen hitting his stride?

11:00 According to Hubie Brown, that was the Spurs' first example of "shoddy defense." See, everybody loves the Spurs, er, jumps on the Spurs bandwagon I should say, because they're so "team-driven." They're depicted as the alternative to the former Lakers, who embodied selfish ball by spoiled star athletes.

Of course, this is an amateur argument by amateur fans - people who never saw or understood the intricacy of the Tex Winter Triangle offense. People who never saw what was really happening on the court.

Look, bottom line is people jump on the Spurs bandwagon because they see an international group coming together to work as a single, efficient unstoppable unit. I gotta admit, it's a nice idea. It's as inspirational as Bruce Bowen's life story.

But in the real world of unilateral, uncompromising superpowers, these people are dreamers. These people are fucking high.

(Go Lakers.)

You know what? It's 79-63 Spurs at the end of three quarters and I can't watch any more carnage. I've had a busy weekend jumping off 30-feet-high bridges and sliding down dams, and tomorrow I start an entire week of doing nothing.

That, my friends, requires a lot of rest.

Good night all.