Now you know how I feel. The world is my lesbian wedding.

--Chandler Bing.

That's sorta where I am these days - one giant DC-shaped drought. From here on out, I'm going on the assumption that any moderately to ridiculously hot girls I meet are firmly entrenched in a relationship with some tool boyfriend. Or there's a reason they're not firmly entrenched in a relationship with some tool boyfriend. Or they like girls.

'Got back from Yossarian Lives' wedding up in New England - an excellent time...beautiful ceremony on the Long Island Sound, followed by five hours or so of open bar at the country club, followed by a couple hours of after-party at the USS Chowder Pot III, where the median age was about 47 and this one patron in her fifties was practicing her dancing on an entrance pole. I barely remember this, but it was pure, and it was good.

Here's the thing: There was a bevy of attractive girls at the wedding. ...There was a dearth of attractive available girls.

When we stumbled back from the Chowdah Paht, my new buddy Razorback, with whom I split a room, decided to act on an open invitation from the girl staying next door, another wedding patron. "This isn't bad...right?" he asked, and I gave assurances. (Hell - I got the whole room to myself.)

But the minute you have to ask...I mean...Christ.

I'm determined never to settle - this whole year is about not-settling. But I swear, I'm becoming more celibate than some priests in the process.

At a barbeque later in the weekend, I was talking to this girl for all of a minute - ironically, I wasn't even interested - and yet a minute later her boyfriend emerges; he immediately hugs and kisses her while shooting looks at me that were less-than-friendly. 'Doesn't even introduce himself. Subtle. I should have said "Christ, why don't you just piss on her" but instead just awkwardly cleared my throat and went...over there.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is...I went 0 for about 37 this weekend.

And next weekend? I get to go back to Cali, for another wedding, where chances are I'll briefly encounter my ex. For all I know she's firmly entrenched in a serious, committed, secure, stable relationship. Yay, fun!

I swear, you ladies have it soo easy...

[ducking tomatoes.]

Yikes, I better get off the stage. Tend the pin, Chi-Chi, the natives look restless.